Quote: So if I'm at the grocery store and I'm thinking about what my H might enjoy eating for dinner I'm being caring. If I'm at the grocery store and I'm double-checking my list to see if I forgot anything but not feeling anxious I'm just trying to be responsible about doing the chore of shopping. However if I'm at the grocery store and I'm worried about getting flak if I buy the wrong kind of coffee or forget the paper towel then that is a problem.
I find that I slide easily from the caring part (I bet W would like to have this tasty dish for dinner) to the anxious part (but she will likely say something about why I didn't make the zucchini, and how I might as well throw it out because it's one day past "edible" and what a waste...) and that so much of my energy is stuck in the fusion area of "how to please her" or, more realistically, "how to avoid her criticism." Of course, the deal is, she's going to be critical anyway, or she's going to be critical about something I didn't foresee, or, there's even a chance that she won't be critical at all, and all this anxiety, in any event, isn't helpful to me or to the relationship. Maybe I'll save the rest of that thought for my thread, but I guess the takeaway is that our anxiety about how they will react is not good for us.
One more comment: the scene in the grocery store where you realized that you didn't have to deal with your H's "picky preferences" is one of the first concrete examples I've heard from you about your divorce fantasies. Aside from your occasional mention of "Hank," this feeling in the grocery store seemed much closer to reality. I have been thinking, lately, about how "divorce fantasies" are so beguiling and dangerous.
Once you've "popped the cherry" and told your spouse that you want out, or that you're considering leaving them; it just gets easier and easier to go down that road. You've just given a name to your frustrations, and have therefore given the concept a place in your relationship. There's no real way to get rid of it now; the concept has been named, the taboo broken, the subject broached. It's like the difference between thinking you want to kill someone, and then actually going out and buying the gun. It's sitting right there in your nightstand, ready to be pulled out at a moment's notice, without too much thought...because the threat of divorce, once made, has usually come after lots of inner thought, just like the decision to buy the gun. It's now a part of your arsenal and you can pull it out at any time.
The reality is that divorce sucks like the worst of all possible suckitude that you can imagine. I don't have many regrets about leaving the person that is my ex, but I have great regrets on the many repercussions that have resulted from it. Is my quality of life better? In most respects, yes, but sometimes I wonder if the increase in quality is great enough to justify the swath of destruction the divorce caused. My kids are still having to deal with it, as am I.
Man, I gotta get some work done... my advice is to never mention filing again, unless you're already gone.
