I was reading an e-mail from FlyLady the other day. She wrote that she started cooking breakfast for her husband and then became distracted. She then realized that she might have forgotten to start the coffee and was hit with a wave of anxiety. Then she remembered that she was no longer married to her ex who would get angry with her for being absent-minded and her new husband would simply start a pot of coffee himself if he noticed that she forgot. This e-mail hit a chord with me because I think that there is a similar level of anxiety that I experience in my relationship due to my H's critical nature but it's almost like I've become accustomed to it, as though I accept dealing with this anxiety as part of the work I have to do in this relationship. For instance, on the day that I told myself that I was going to file for divorce I went to the grocery store. I started shopping in my usual mode when suddenly I realized that I no longer had to deal with all my H's picky preferences or worry that I might be taken to task if we ran out of paper towel etc. etc. etc.. and it was a real feeling of relief.
Sometimes when I'm trying to think positively about my relationship I remind myself that I like taking care of people. That is why I liked the Truman Capote quote that I added to my signature. So if I'm at the grocery store and I'm thinking about what my H might enjoy eating for dinner I'm being caring. If I'm at the grocery store and I'm double-checking my list to see if I forgot anything but not feeling anxious I'm just trying to be responsible about doing the chore of shopping. However if I'm at the grocery store and I'm worried about getting flak if I buy the wrong kind of coffee or forget the paper towel then that is a problem.
How do I solve this problem? It is clear to me that I can't become a perfect person who never forgets the paper towel. So, do I do what FlyLady did eventually which was to tell herself that she was in an emotionally abusive relationship and get out? Do I see my anxiety as a sign of fusion and try to find some solid ground I can stand on (perhaps by comforting myself with the sort of mental checklist I made in my earlier post which in any situation is just my nerdy (nerdy because I take comfort in objective standards) way of telling myself that maybe I'm not perfect but I'm certainly "good enough") when my H vents?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
