Angry no more

[MJontheMend]

But could it be that what you fear is having to confront the hard choice of divorce and all the responsibility, guilt and possibly blame that comes with being the one to file first? I can understand this explanation and I think it is natural feeling.

Yes, I think that is it. My desire to divorce fills me with guilt because on some level I think it is wrong to want to leave a marriage for sexual reasons. If I let my children suffer just because I want to get laid more often then I would be a bad mother like my mother was a bad mother.

You still seem to have a good deal of emotion wrapped up in your H, so I am guessing that means you are not really “done” yet.

This is true too. When I said I was going to file, my H acted tough (he said "Do what you got to do just don't sell my piano.") but he looked "crushed" and that sent me back into a state of fusion or feeling like I cared or something.

Perhaps you are wearing some of her guilt?

My biggest fear is ending up like my mother.

Maybe she is the one you need to feel compassion toward, so you can then allow yourself to feel compassionate toward you?

I'm sure this is true but it is very difficult. My mother reacts in rage whenever she feels like a demand of any type has been put on her. For instance, my youngest sister just graduated from law school. She made the big mistake of asking my mother which of two jobs she should take. When she didn't take my mother's advice to take the one that paid better, my mother left a 5 minute screaming message on her message machine about what a selfish, irresponsible brat she was and how she better never come to my mom looking for financial support. I can feel compassion for my mother in the way I might feel compassion for anyone who is mentally ill but I can't try to be more intimate with her.

Do you think you could be projecting any of this repressed anger toward your H, and he acts in the same irresponsible way as your mother, that created your sense of abandonment on the first place?

It feels more like my mother is the reason I repress feelings of anger in general, not like she is any longer the source of my anger. For instance, when my H has done irresponsible things like quitting a job without notice, I think it is natural that I would feel somewhat angry about his behavior whether or not my mother behaved in similar irresponsible ways. However, because I don't want to be my mother's daughter I repress these natural feelings of anger and this in a sense leads to a sort of marital neglect on my part because I don't ask for the kind of behavior I would respect from my H. Or maybe this is just the theory of the month I've come up with to rationalize staying in this marriage because somehow it's my fault that my H doesn't want to have sex with me.