….my feeling was that I fear my own desire to leave my H. By actually stating that I wanted a divorce a few weeks ago, I sort of overcame this fear.
I’m trying to understand this. Are you saying that you fear what it is that you actually want, or at least think you want? I can’t get my mind around that. But could it be that what you fear is having to confront the hard choice of divorce and all the responsibility, guilt and possibly blame that comes with being the one to file first? I can understand this explanation and I think it is natural feeling.
But compare how you felt to what Corri describes about her H, that she is “done” and has no more emotion toward him, either good or bad. You still seem to have a good deal of emotion wrapped up in your H, so I am guessing that means you are not really “done” yet.
I can choose not to leave him even if I feel like I want to. Therefore, I think my fear is more that I will become an "abandoner" like my mother than that I will be abandoned. Does this make sense?
Do you have a lot of anger and a sense of shame about what your mother did? Perhaps you are wearing some of her guilt? Perhaps you are angry with her for not being a better mother and giving you the comfort and security you needed in such a chaotic and scary household? Maybe she is the one you need to feel compassion toward, so you can then allow yourself to feel compassionate toward you? (I don’t know, just throwing stuff out.)
Do you think you could be projecting any of this repressed anger toward your H, and he acts in the same irresponsible way as your mother, that created your sense of abandonment on the first place? (Again, just guessing.)
This whole issue of anger and resentment is something I am trying to understand now, so the book by Stosny was a big help. I am trying to find a good way to release this old anger, especially on behalf of my wife. I also see this as a major impediment to growth, for my own sitch as well as so many others on this board. Anger kept me lockdown for so long, and it still comes up from time to time.
