Angry no more

[MJontheMend]

Back to 2006. What I haven't revealed to the BB is that back at the beginning of this month when I flipped out because my H didn't honor his commitment to having sex with me on the day that I ovulate, I actually did tell him that I was going to file for divorce. I know most of you are thinking "Big deal, the two of you have been on the brink of divorce umpteen times since you joined this BB.". The difference is that every other time he was the one who was like "I'm out of here" in response to my requests for more sex. This was the first time that I actually was ready to hit the highway. So there really is no need for complicated theories to explain my H's better behavior over the last few weeks. He knows I wasn't just threatening in order to get what I wanted. I really was completely fed up. I didn't come out with this before because I felt like I was mental because I couldn't figure out exactly why I backed down. The best explanation I have is that he gave me the vibe that he would be a "good winner" if I did.

So for the past few weeks he mostly has been a "good winner" but yesterday morning he started back on some of his same old cr*p and that was why I was angry again when I responded on the BB. However, and this is a big "however", I didn't respond in the same old way to his same old cr*p and it made a difference. In the past his cr*ppy behavior would make me nervous and give me a feeling like their was something that I needed to fix. In a weird way it was almost like cr*ppy behavior would make me more HD. It's not that I'm a masochist and cr*p behavior directly makes me horny. The dynamic is that cr*p behavior makes me not want to be in a relationship with my H. I don't like feeling like I don't want to be in a relationship with my H so I seek out the thing that adds the most value to a relationship for me which is sex. So my behavior in the past was quite perverse because I would sometimes seek sex when I was least likely to be successful in actually getting it. Yesterday my H's cr*p behavior actually almost made me feel kind of LD and it definitely made me withdraw. He asked me to cut his hair which is usually a sensual activity for me and I got no sexual vibe whatsoever. My H became quite placating later in the day as he sensed my coolness. This didn't turn me on either. What might have turned me on would have been a straight-forward apology for disrespectful behavior. Of course, he didn't actually propose any sex so it quite possible that I would have been as much of a Weeble as ever.

P.S. If any of you are confused about the fact that I have indicated that I both can and can't imagine myself as LD in my last few posts, imagine how confused I am.