Angry no more

[MJontheMend]

An LD man... different story. He wants to lead... but you already do. He wants to be the aggressor, but you already are. He wants to please you... but you've already mapped it out for him.

I'm sorry I was in a cr*p mood and a hurry when I replied to you yesterday. Sometimes I think I do a poor job communicating how things work or what is really going on in my relationship even though I write way too much on this BB. I got angry because it isn't really the case that I am all that sexually demanding or even assertive in real life except in the sense that I feel like I've had to become assertive about asking my H about what he might like or simply initiating the sexual act somehow or another. I mean "Don't give a man directions in bed" was like the second rule about sex I read in Cosmo when I was 14. I understand exactly the way in which I would s*ck in bed if I didn't follow that rule. I am much more blunt about what I like sexually on this BB than I am in real life because I'm NOT trying to attract any of the men on this BB. I talk here like I would talk with a couple of old girlfriends after a couple drinks or as if I was trying to be a low rent Dr. Ruth. Also, I didn't come into my marriage with a fully laid out map of my sexuality. I have tried a lot of things with my H that I never tried with another man, and though I might be the one to ask "Would you like to take a trip to ...?" He would almost always be the one to drive the car and I would just mostly be like "I am really enjoying the scenery on this trip" not like "You're driving too fast. Watch out for that deer.". I enjoy sex mostly because I am deeply responsive not because I am very assertive about what I like. Also, I'm constantly changing or growing or learning more about what I do like. For instance, recently my H and I were having an encounter and we were just sort of doodling around in a "do me" "do you" way. He was laying propped up on the bed and I was on my hands and knees perpendicular to him with my head over his torso being manually stimulated by him in doodling fashion. I had just been doodling about with his parts in some way myself. He reached down and gripped the base of his penis and pulled it down so that it was pointed right at me. Something about this action shot me right from level 6 arousal to level 10+ and we finished each other off simultaneously in about 10 seconds. My point here is that I had no clue that I was likely to be so aroused by the sight of a penis being pulled down to a right angle as I was hovering over it. Even if I had wanted to I couldn't have given my H directions to get to that place and I wouldn't be inclined to give him directions to get there again because it was his obvious desire manifested in the action that turned me on, not the details of the action. The action communicated to me "Look how hard my c*ck is. I really want you to suck it." and that message of male arousal is what turned me on.

I think there is a dynamic in my marriage in which my H wishes I was more submissive but I really think it has more to do with the borderland between sex and our relationship outside of sex than with what actually goes on between us sexually. As anyone who has followed my saga knows my H is more likely to say honest things even if they are cruel than most people. He has never indicated that he would like me to be less assertive about what I like sexually. In fact, I would say that he is pretty confident about that sort of thing. For instance, fairly recently he made a clumsy move (very unusual for him) while man-handling me and I said "Ouch!" (very unusual for me-LOL). He just laughed and apologized. Thus, I would also say it is true that whatever sexual anxiety my H has is also largely confined to the borderland between actual sex and our life outside of sex. He really does think I am great in bed (as hard as that is to believe) and therefore he really does believe that he is great in bed. The two things can't be mutually exclusive. Unfortunately, he also really does believe that I suck at arousing him into a sexual frame of mind because I am too fat or too arrogant about not being fat or too unfashionable or not submissive enough or not assertive enough or something. Therefore, he has a hard time being aroused around me. Because, once again, the two can't be mutually exclusive. The odd juxtoposition of mostly positive feedback between the two of us during sex or even during conversations about specific sexual activities (except for my H's "chick stuff" comments )and mostly negative feedback between the two of us around the issues of initiation or initial arousal is what has driven me into the stark raving lunatic I'm sure I seem to be on this BB.