Things have vastly improved in my situation recently because I have finally figured out how to let go of my anger. I realize now that the reason I couldn't let go of my anger was that I couldn't figure out the source of my anger. The problem was that I grew up in a FOO where being independent and self-sufficient was highly reinforced in both negative and positive ways. My mother constantly gave me the message "Take care of yourself because I'm not going to." and my father constantly gave me the message "Learn to take care of yourself because I want you to be happy.". Their miserably unhappy marriage gave me the message "You are a fool if you count on your marriage to make you happy.". Thus, I went into marriage with the lowest possible expectations subconsciously convinced that was the best way not to be disappointed.
However, I do have a high sex drive so basically what I wanted was a generally low maintenance marriage with lots of sex. Unfortunately, I married a generally high maintenance man with low expectations regarding sex. The result of this was at the time I joined the BB, I was feeling like a miserable failure. Thankfully, I soon got out of this phase but for the past two years I've been stuck in a phase of feeling angry. I tried to repress it but it just wouldn't go away. I realize now that the reason I was angry was that I wasn't asking enough of my marriage beyond sex due to my need to feel independent in order to feel secure. Because I wasn't asking much of the marriage beyond sex, every demand my H made on the marriage felt like something I had to do in order to get sex. Thus, I felt like I was "paying" for sex and this p*ssed me off.
The whole Alpha Male discussion that took place on the BB was very helpful to me because it caused me to start thinking about what sort of man I was attracted to and that started me thinking about I might want from a relatonship with a man besides sex. In particular, it made me think about what I might want besides sex from a relationship with a man who is my husband beyond what I would expect or want from a relationship with anyone who was a friend and/or roommate. Thinking about this was helpful because I realized that part of the reason I avoided thinking about this in the past was that what I want from a man besides sex is not at all in alignment with many PC or feminist notions.
So, I was finally able to let go of my anger by asking more of my marriage besides sex. By matching my own high maintenance needs besides sex with my H's high maintenance needs, I no longer feel like I'm "paying" for sex. Sex can be the whipped cream on top of the giant sundae of an otherwise balanced high maintenance relationship now that I feel free to ask for all the other sundae ingredients that I want too instead of constantly trying to make the sundae to my H's liking in order to get to the whipped cream (and cherry ).
P.S. - I should note here that it isn't just the case that my mental attitude has improved. My H and I have been very friendly and affectionate and we have been speaking openly about a lot of subjects and the sex has been rather hot.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
BTW, I love the Capote quote, but it has a couple errors...you're too smart to just leave them uncorrected. Plus, I know that he'd be spinning in his grave if he saw them.
Quote: BTW, I love the Capote quote, but it has a couple errors...you're too smart to just leave them uncorrected. Plus, I know that he'd be spinning in his grave if he saw them.
LOL- In my defense, I was looking for the quote online and simply copied it from a website without reading it closely.
I won't leave right away but I probably will cut back on my posting. High maintenance/high sex marriages take a lot of time spent "sweeping floors" and "tending hearths" etc. as Truman wrote.
Another thought I had regarding what I posted was that I was making the error of thinking that high expectations= high fusion. I think that this is a common error made on this BB. We advise each other to engage in GAL type activities in order to lower our expectations regarding our marriages in an attempt to lower the level of fusion. This is only helpful to the extent that feeling sex-starved has made you "clingy". Once you get past that phase, further attempts to meet your needs outside the marriage are counterproductive. The positive converse of "I will die if you don't love me." is not "I don't need you for sh*t".
Here is an example of what I am talking about. Let's say a HDM is frustrated because his demands for sex are met with resistance and demands for things like yardwork. It seems to me that trying to trade anything for sex, maybe even affection, in a relationship is a turn-off for both partners. Therefore, if the HDM tries to trade yardwork for sex, he is bound to be both angry and disappointed. However, if HDM recognizes his W's desire for yardwork as valid outside the realm of sex and realizes that there are similar things that he either wants or gets from his wife then he can do the yardwork without need for payback or in return for more psychologically acceptable payback. For instance, he can say "Sure, I'll chop down that tree if you'll bake me a pie.". He chops down the tree. She bakes the pie. Both of them feel more appreciated for what they can offer and cared for in their relationship. This reduces the anger and anxiety of both spouses, so their sex life can only improve.
The problem I had in my marriage was that I kept thinking along the lines of "I don't need a man to chop down a tree for me. I can do it myself." so I kept baking pies and trying to trade them for sex. Therefore, I ended up a tree-chopping, pie baking, unf*ckable ball of resentment and martyrdom.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I have a practical sexual question for the men on the BB. The other morning I came across my H checking out Maxim online and he tried to hide it from me. I am way over my issues with porn (not that Maxim is exactly porn) so I just totally casually said "I really don't care if you look at that stuff.". My H relaxed and said "That's good. Really, I was just looking at it in order to 'test the waters' for later.". My question is what does this behavior indicate to a man? If you look at some porn at 10 AM and you get a slight rise does this tell you that you'll probably be in the mood for some action at 3 PM? Or is the converse true? If you look at the exciting porn and don't get a rise then you know you aren't going to be able to get it up for your boring old wife?- LOL.
P.S. I should note here that my H has never had any sort of ED problems so I find this confusing. Maybe he isn't testing the "rise" but rather his mental interest?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
WHO KNOWS!? let me see.... its definitely not about testing the waters for when you want or anything like that
i often find myself looking at that stuff just to see if i see anything that gets my motor running. doesnt mean i want it then and there or later, but hey, if there is something a bit different i can take with me and say, hey W, i want you to wear this, or be in this position wearing this -- bonus for me
its all about sex-appeal in my book, but that is me. i know, i got enough issues. you cant talk to me or ask me about this stuff w/out me gettin my britches all twisted
"Test the waters." Just speaking for myself here, but I don't need to look at pics of busty women to see if the equipment is in order.
I have no idea what he meant.
Even though I don't have a lot of spontaneous desire for either my "boring old wife" or the Maxim girls, I know that, if called upon to perform, I'd be ready. About the only thing I might use the Maxim girl for is to reduce the pressure a bit, so I wouldn't PE. But I don't think I'd be doing this on the home PC while my W was home.
I'm curious...ask him what he meant. Tell him Hairdog wants to know.
Sorry I'd have to ask him what he meant by "testing the waters for later"...that's an odd statement. I mean...is he planning on looking at some porn with you later?
Quote: i often find myself looking at that stuff just to see if i see anything that gets my motor running. doesnt mean i want it then and there or later, but hey, if there is something a bit different i can take with me and say, hey W, i want you to wear this, or be in this position wearing this -- bonus for me
My H has said something like this before too. He said he looks at porn to get "ideas". His "testing the waters" statement was different. I should clarify the issue by stating that he then indicated that he had determined that he was too under-the-weather for sexual activity by looking at the porn. Amazingly, this didn't bother me either.- LOL.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Even though I don't have a lot of spontaneous desire for either my "boring old wife" or the Maxim girls, I know that, if called upon to perform, I'd be ready.
Maybe it's more of a HD/LD thing rather than a male/female thing because my take on the matter is pretty much like yours. I never stop to think about whether I'll be able to get in the mood or aroused if sexual activity ensues or is anticipated.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
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