Angry no more

[MJontheMend]

BTW, I love the Capote quote, but it has a couple errors...you're too smart to just leave them uncorrected. Plus, I know that he'd be spinning in his grave if he saw them.

LOL- In my defense, I was looking for the quote online and simply copied it from a website without reading it closely.


I won't leave right away but I probably will cut back on my posting. High maintenance/high sex marriages take a lot of time spent "sweeping floors" and "tending hearths" etc. as Truman wrote.

Another thought I had regarding what I posted was that I was making the error of thinking that high expectations= high fusion. I think that this is a common error made on this BB. We advise each other to engage in GAL type activities in order to lower our expectations regarding our marriages in an attempt to lower the level of fusion. This is only helpful to the extent that feeling sex-starved has made you "clingy". Once you get past that phase, further attempts to meet your needs outside the marriage are counterproductive. The positive converse of "I will die if you don't love me." is not "I don't need you for sh*t".

Here is an example of what I am talking about. Let's say a HDM is frustrated because his demands for sex are met with resistance and demands for things like yardwork. It seems to me that trying to trade anything for sex, maybe even affection, in a relationship is a turn-off for both partners. Therefore, if the HDM tries to trade yardwork for sex, he is bound to be both angry and disappointed. However, if HDM recognizes his W's desire for yardwork as valid outside the realm of sex and realizes that there are similar things that he either wants or gets from his wife then he can do the yardwork without need for payback or in return for more psychologically acceptable payback. For instance, he can say "Sure, I'll chop down that tree if you'll bake me a pie.". He chops down the tree. She bakes the pie. Both of them feel more appreciated for what they can offer and cared for in their relationship. This reduces the anger and anxiety of both spouses, so their sex life can only improve.

The problem I had in my marriage was that I kept thinking along the lines of "I don't need a man to chop down a tree for me. I can do it myself." so I kept baking pies and trying to trade them for sex. Therefore, I ended up a tree-chopping, pie baking, unf*ckable ball of resentment and martyrdom.