Things have vastly improved in my situation recently because I have finally figured out how to let go of my anger. I realize now that the reason I couldn't let go of my anger was that I couldn't figure out the source of my anger. The problem was that I grew up in a FOO where being independent and self-sufficient was highly reinforced in both negative and positive ways. My mother constantly gave me the message "Take care of yourself because I'm not going to." and my father constantly gave me the message "Learn to take care of yourself because I want you to be happy.". Their miserably unhappy marriage gave me the message "You are a fool if you count on your marriage to make you happy.". Thus, I went into marriage with the lowest possible expectations subconsciously convinced that was the best way not to be disappointed.
However, I do have a high sex drive so basically what I wanted was a generally low maintenance marriage with lots of sex. Unfortunately, I married a generally high maintenance man with low expectations regarding sex. The result of this was at the time I joined the BB, I was feeling like a miserable failure. Thankfully, I soon got out of this phase but for the past two years I've been stuck in a phase of feeling angry. I tried to repress it but it just wouldn't go away. I realize now that the reason I was angry was that I wasn't asking enough of my marriage beyond sex due to my need to feel independent in order to feel secure. Because I wasn't asking much of the marriage beyond sex, every demand my H made on the marriage felt like something I had to do in order to get sex. Thus, I felt like I was "paying" for sex and this p*ssed me off.
The whole Alpha Male discussion that took place on the BB was very helpful to me because it caused me to start thinking about what sort of man I was attracted to and that started me thinking about I might want from a relatonship with a man besides sex. In particular, it made me think about what I might want besides sex from a relationship with a man who is my husband beyond what I would expect or want from a relationship with anyone who was a friend and/or roommate. Thinking about this was helpful because I realized that part of the reason I avoided thinking about this in the past was that what I want from a man besides sex is not at all in alignment with many PC or feminist notions.
So, I was finally able to let go of my anger by asking more of my marriage besides sex. By matching my own high maintenance needs besides sex with my H's high maintenance needs, I no longer feel like I'm "paying" for sex. Sex can be the whipped cream on top of the giant sundae of an otherwise balanced high maintenance relationship now that I feel free to ask for all the other sundae ingredients that I want too instead of constantly trying to make the sundae to my H's liking in order to get to the whipped cream (and cherry ).
P.S. - I should note here that it isn't just the case that my mental attitude has improved. My H and I have been very friendly and affectionate and we have been speaking openly about a lot of subjects and the sex has been rather hot.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
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