IMINTROUBLE I know it's real tempting to try and fix the OM's m. Sometimes I'm tempted to contact the OP my w is involved with, but I come to my senses! Please, please, please don't spend endless amounts of time trying to analyze why your w is who she is. That's her job. Trust me, when you hand her your "diagnosis" it will get stuffed right back in your face. It's not welcomed. The next three weeks is a time for you to start to GAL, I know it's hard but it works. I have worked my ass off to be as happy as I can be in this sitch. In a way this has been a blessing to me!!! I am a much fuller, stronger and, yes, healthier person, physically and mentally, then I was before. Maybe I should thank her! Definately, use DB to strategize. I'm assuming you are a soldier, set up your battle plan!This is the fight of your life. But, stop trying to take care of her (I, too, have to fight that urge). I am also on my own for three weeks. It's like I died and went to heaven!I am actually enjoying my time away from the sitch (that's how I get to post so much these days). Just remember we can't control what another does, feels or says and that is pretty damn maddening at times especially when you see your partner making stupid, stupid moves that tear both your worlds apart. Retreat? No way. Just make a smart battle plan. Take care of yourself.
I am NOT going to give her my analysis. She knows something is wrong anyway. Recently (last 6 mo) she’s begun looking into info on adult children of alcoholics. I know the last time she was home at her parents she tried to find an ALNON meeting. Ironically, the A started only a few weeks after she got back. She’s also told me she is selfish and has always had low self esteem issues, although you’d never guess it if you met her. As a matter of fact, she told all of this to the MC during our first (and only) joint session. She’s been back once alone, and is going again the day before she leaves. MC thinks there is something more to the story, but she hasn’t open up yet. Honestly, were it not for my D7, I would have already packed the W out of here back to the States. Then she could carry on a long distance A and see how that worked out. I'm a GAL-ing dude...I've already done a couple of 180s that the W has made comment about. Of course, I'm realistic...I can do more 180s than Jordan in a slam dunk contest and it won't matter as long as the A is still hot and heavy.
IMINTROUBLE sounds like you are doing great under the circumstances. I wondered if you had children. I, too, would have moved on if there weren't children involved. They are way too precious to put through the hell of divorce if you can avoid it. You and I are big boys, we can make decisions and heal, our children don't get to make any choices. It is up to us, to make good choices for them. Our spouses are unable to do that right now. My oldest told me that I was her hero because I don't quit. I keep those words in my heart. You will be your daughters hero too as long as you've done everything you could. No matter what, doing the right thing is never wrong. All the best.
If I recall, children of alcoholics also like chaos cuz it reminds them of how they grew up, never knowing what daddy/mommy was going to do next. We usually repeat what we grew up with unless we consciously stop it. An A is a really neat way of creating some chaos. Anyway, just a thought. As always,take care.
Like most people, my W exhibits some of the traits of adult children of alcoholics, although not all. A couple of the bigger ones she has are low self-esteem, feeling guilty for doing things for herself (hobbies, etc.), and putting everyone else's feelings before her own. Don't get me wrong...these are very subtle, but definately there. One of her explanations for what's going on is that she feels that for once she has to take care of herself..blah, blah, blah. She's even convinced herself that our D7 would be better off in a divorced family than if we stay together in an "unhappy" marriage. I'm sure some of that is coming from the OM, who has not just one, but 4 kids. I'm trying to understand her issues and where she is coming from, because, like it or not, because of our D7 neither of us can just walk away. We still have to have a relationship on some level...so I'm doing the rope-a-dope, hoping she comes to her senses. Plus...I've added about 20lbs to my bench press.
