Well talk about yin and yang. Day started off w/ XW coming to pick up the kids. They've been real snotty/snitty/etc w/ me the past two days and I told her we needed to talk about a few things so off we went to sit in the van w/ the A/C on so we could have some privacy. One thing led to another; she said that my Mom had to stop telling her how sad S11 was and me telling her that she belongs at the house. She said that isn't ever going to happen. We started talking about us. VERY LONG story; upshot is STILL she didn't feel loved, I didn't "make" it up to her. She just felt dead inside. It's too late now. She doesn't like R conversations. We're not ever... etcetcetc. I didn't ever want to spend money, why couldn't we get a pool; the kids would have loved it, etc. I did my best DBing and DIDN'T say that it was one more thing I'D have to take care of and where was the $$ coming from anyway. Just kept quiet. So I felt pretty crappy when she left...
Came to work and on a break OM is sitting nearby (w/ almost the same damn shirt on, just a little lighter... ) The only other person in the room gets up and leaves, OM turns to me and asks if we can talk sometime. I asked how much longer he had on his break...... Sooooo we go outside into the 110 degree Heat Index swelter and start walking. First he apologizes for getting involved w/ XW and sleeping w/ her and asks for my forgiveness. I told him that like I told him last winter, I would forgive him eventually. That we blew up our marriage, he was not the cause, but he affected things and made it impossible to recover from. That if he was truly the good friend she said he was and he professed... he would have drawn boundaries and just been a supportive friend while she tried to figure out her issues and her marital probs....
He completely agreed. We walked/talked for 25 min... And he didn't realize that there was a LOT she BS'ed him on or just didn't tell him. Too much to go into now and I'm still trying to assimilate the whole conve.
BUT, I feel a lot better than I did 6 hours ago. Oh, and I said that was crappy the way you treated her and she still hasn't figured out that you wouldn't have told her it was over if she hadn't gone and confronted you. He said HUH? I told her in June it was over. I said, well she was still thinking it was going to be wonderful when she got her D as of a year ago, the beginning of last Aug. Which is why she confronted you middle of last Aug and called you repeatedly. He rolls his eyes and says Oh Yeah, That... I think he's realizing even MORE that she wasn't firing on all 8 cylinders for quite some time. Velly Interesting Evening.
Hmmm. Things just keep getting more and more interesting!
So after OM and I talk last week I got to thinking that I had some questions for him... Lo and behold I run into him Mon while shopping. He looks up sees me and acts like I'm his long lost buddy (wth?) Guess getting his conscience cleared made everything OK in his mind. Whatever. So I said I wanted to talk some more and he offered to do it right then, but I had an appt cross town soon. So this morning at work we got to talking... I asked him why XW said she wanted a Div. HE said that SHE said something about this that and the other... Well, I told him the WHOLE story, about how she urged me to go to Paris, to not come home when her brother was ill, how she PUSHED me away... He hadn't heard that! He also could not believe that she was deluding herself that she "didn't have an affair". He is finally seeing there is a big difference between what she was telling him at first and what really is and what played out between them. I think he realizes things are really screwed up in her head. Said he admires the fact that I tried very hard to work things out. yadayadayada. Not going to change anything but I'm feeling a little less guilty about things. I realize now this is 95% HER issues that she doesn't want to deal w/. Esp. after talking w/ one of HER friends that has made the effort to email me. We spoke in person this week for the first time in a couple of years (!) This poor woman had no clue what had happened and XW had pretty much stopped emailing her and didn't stay in touch. And she had asked BIL/SIL what the hell happened and they told her that XW doesn't really talk to them. So this gal was really concerned. Couldn't believe the stuff I was telling her but was real supportive. So I guess the point of all this is I'm getting to the place where I think I really can just say TO HELL W/ YOU.... I've done my best, I would like to think I wouldn't give up on someone if they were physically ill, but she has made CHOICES that aren't good.
I think that I don't want to deal w/ XW anymore, least not unless she undergoes some real change and I don't see that happening. EVER. Oh and Well.
So you and OM work together and W and OM are no longer an item? Is that right?
I don't know how long you have been D but I think it is pretty common finding out answers to our "long lost questions." They have a tendancy to fall in our laps, with little to no effort.
I'm guessing OM is feeling less guilty after talking with you.
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
So you and OM work together and W and OM are no longer an item? Is that right?
I don't know how long you have been D but I think it is pretty common finding out answers to our "long lost questions." They have a tendancy to fall in our laps, with little to no effort.
I'm guessing OM is feeling less guilty after talking with you.
OH YEAH, Fortunately NOT in the same little area, but basically the same schedule and similar shifts and we see each other ALL the time.. HE was ALSO in our little circle of about 5 or 6 people we socialized with. She basically just wigged out. Got some time? Read my thread, HELLBENT... Will give you quite the laugh! And OM and I had a very civil conversation; as I told him I DON'T HATE HIM... I just don't respect him and he made a bad choice getting involved w/ her just b/c she said the marriage was over... Saying so doesn't make it so...
And yeah, I've gotten some "answers". I'm figuring out that I'm not at all the awful person she made me out to be the past few years. Continues to be obvious that she has a LOT of issues. I feel for her, pray for her, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be held over a barrel. I've met some really nice, fairly attractive women, and had some fun going out. And I don't feel guilty about that (much!)
DM, New to this board and reading, sounds like interesting stuff. To get back to your original question if the D says 30 days close things then the stuff in your house is now "your stuff" and I think your title says it all, "Get this cr@p out of my house" or it will be by the curb come next trash day. You are not her storage facility. At this point you are not getting points w/her for keeping it and its keeping you from your new life. RJ
Quote: "Get this cr@p out of my house" or it will be by the curb come next trash day. You are not her storage facility. At this point you are not getting points w/her for keeping it and its keeping you from your new life. RJ
Yeah, I could probably pull that but it would just serve to make things more difficult in the long run. She's STILL in BLAME DAVE mode and even two weeks ago made the comment how everytime we have a R talk and she says again she's done it seems like I get a little pissy or moody. Probably true to a point. So right now, I'm doing a 180 and just being pleasant to her and accomodating when it isn't going to screw me over.
BUT, soon I'm going to tell her to get her stuff out, return your rings (since SHE blew up the marriage) and please have the CS check here on the first. Today is the 15th, still no check for Aug. And if you don't have enough $$ to live on (as she has said; dipping into her savings...) that's too freaking bad.
Okay, so 4 weeks ago I asked XW if she wanted to meet one time w/ the C I was seeing that D15 had seen. That I had been talking to her about kid issues, etc. Thought maybe she'd like to hear from the C. So we go, I pick her up. It's mostly a productive session, only for about a min. does it get "off topic" and about US...
I give her a ride back to her apt and then the fireworks start... Nothing bad but she angrily tells me that we will NEVER have a relationship except as co-parents. So I then ask her when she intends to get her personal stuff/furniture out of the house. She gets irate and says "YOU TOLD ME I COULD LEAVE IT THERE AS LONG AS A WANTED!"
I said, yeah, when we were SEPARATED.... but we are divorced now, and according to YOUR decree and what YOUR lawyer put in the settlement agreement you were supposed to get your stuff out w/in 30 days... which was the middle of JUNE!
So she says she will start packing... She's been here twice since then and has more boxes piled up in the basement. No word on when she's moving the stuff out. She has said she needs to move (AGAIN) as she can't afford her apt. Oh Well.
So, it looks like I'll be having some more space here soon!
And it's funny, I've got more $$$ now that she's gone... Gonna get the driveway paved next month before the bad weather hits! We had wanted to do that for years and just never had the EXTRA $$$ or something always came up.
Just stopping by your curb. I read your post to me and wanted you to know that if your wife is in MLC nothing will make sense to her. There is no rhyme or reason for the things she does or why she acts the way she does.
I will tell you however that your wife is acting EXACTLY like my S19's friends Mother. She also went off the deep end, had an affair, got a divorce, the whole 9 yards. Even gave up custody of the 3 kids. Well wouldn't you know it, 2 years after the divorce she suddenly has an awakening and now she and her husband are actually dating again.
It happens.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
When we last heard from him.... DavidM had told XW to get her crap out!
So XW comes out a couple of times in Oct and packs up her stuff. And if you've seen the thread in SURVIVING OY VEY..... you know about the newest BF. Well she first TOLD me that he was going to come help her move and then ASKED if that would be okay. (and I could be there or not!) I Don't THINK SO!
So I told her NO, he wasn't going to come in my house and she could find someone else to help her. She ended up getting a good friend of ours to help and the three of us loaded up the Uhaul...
So her CRAP is GONE! FINALLY. And even though the house looks a little emptier, I'm liking it!
She has now moved into the MOTHER IN LAW apt that just happens to be in the basement of the new BF! And he just happens to have a field/barn so they are moving D15's horse to his house. And gee, imagine this, she now wants the kids to stay at her place FOUR nights a week. NOT! Oh, and the BF? She met him in "early JULY"... WTF? And you're already glommed up w/ him? Hmmmmm. It's like she wants to recreate a perfect little family.
Whatever. I'm not seeing anything other than her moving on.
Funny thing is as I look back over the past 22 years I see so many flags of things where she wasn't forthcoming about things that later became issues. Or she expected things to be a certain way; as my Mother put it... she has an overly idealistic view of love/romance. Probably best to just forget ever having a R w/ her. I was her first real serious BF and she was pushing to get engaged fairly quickly even though we both had talked about it. Then w/ OM (Virgin BOY!) same thing; talking wedding plans a month after she moved out! Now practically living w/ this guy in less than 4 months. Bad thing is the kids don't have a problem w/ anything she's done even though NOT ONE PERSON that has heard about her actions thinks any of it was appropriate! WTH is that all about?
) The only other person in the room gets up and leaves, OM turns to me and asks if we can talk sometime. I asked how much longer he had on his break...... Sooooo we go outside into the 110 degree Heat Index swelter and start walking. 
Oh and Well.