bj is onto something - as are you. Detachment, the LRT are great tools to helping our WAS's realise what can be lost...
It would seem to me that your W is starting to see this. I know my WAW has had these "mini" revelations. They might be small, but they are "additive" meaning they accumulate hopefully to one big "ah-ha!".
Hence too the importance of keeping mildly detached - whenever I seem off to do something that WAW isn't involved, she seems to get closer. Example, I was busting hump on the house this weekend and needed to get started yesterday early. I had already been the store for supplies and back. WAW was pouring some coffee - she saw that I was engrossed with work but says to me in that soft voice, "can you sit with me for a minute". A perfect way to start the day. Cause and effect - I'm on my journey, but I'd be willing to stop for a moment and enjoy the moment. Pre bomb, I don't know that I would have - or I would have put my foot in my mouth and said something stupid like "I really need to get to work". How we learn.
Oh, and of course I took the time to sit and chat....
Keep it up X - the power of the Pheonix my friend.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Yes I've seen what you are talking about Sven. Very small realizations that at the time didn't get her where she needed to be. But I believe we might have hit the big AHA!!!
For some reason D17 screwing up was the catalyst. It was as if W didn't have anyone to go to but me but realized I was the one she wanted to go to anyway. Wierd. But that's how I felt about it.
Last night we were talking about it and strangely everything is my decision lately, In a good way. W was asking how would an outsider see it. In what way would an outsider see that W has screwed up in dealing with D17. I said "none" D17 was operating purely from her emotional side, not her logical. We have given her logical but that won't come into play right now. Her emotional side will overpower it. I'd say to expect a minimum of 2-3 years.
W said "oh I knoooooooow, belieeeeeeeve meeeeee I know"
and smiled.
We've had a few talks where it is very evident she has changed her opinion on D.
Last night we went to her parents and hung out for a long time. I think that two weeks ago she told her parents we were having a lot of trouble and probably led them to believe she was moving on. I think last night was to show them different. Her parents have been married for over 50 years and are my biggest supporter.
I guess in the past what has been frustrating is that I've seen many many small positive changes and always expected that they meant things were good. Never realizing that it would take a long cumulative effect. Good point.
Things have certainly changed. It feels good. Nothing absolutely definitive yet. But things seem good.
Tommorrow is our anniversary. That would be a good day for this D to be busted
Sounds like you are doing great Xue! I enjoy reading about the developments in your situation and while I don't have any insight into your w's psyche, I can tell you that it seems that she wanted to get closer to you after the two of you shared a common experience. But you are right, there is more to it than that. I advise you to let your w feel that no matter what happens with D17, you will "be on her side" wrt D17, even if her anger seems unreasonable, she needs to know you respect her enough to have that anger and express it without being told she is wrong for it. Allow her that time to vent while you are as empathetic as possible and I bet her anger at D17 will fade and in the process her love for you will flourish. Sometimes we women really need an empathizer with us when we feel wronged or hurt--we don't want to be talked out of it (at least not by our wonderful husbands--sorry guys, we're freaky).
Things are moving in the right direction for you. YOu are the most patient man in the universe I think! Althea
Well today is our anniversary. (Also talk like a pirate day BTW)
She was very happy when I gave her a card when we first got up. She had been up for hours.
She went to the evil C today (first time in a very long time) But she apologized profusely before she went. Said it had nothing to do with what day it is, scheduled it a very long time ago and made a mistake yada yada yada. She was very concerned I would take it wrong. (yeah I probably would have been mad had she not said anything)
She's gonna spend some girl time with a very promarriage friend afterwards.
So we'll see how the rest of the day goes. Hope she likes the roses :-)
She woke up with a cold. Perhaps I'll ask her to share it with me :-) (actually with the kisses she gave me this morning I'm sure she already has)
She was very concerned I would take it wrong. (yeah I probably would have been mad had she not said anything)
WOW, I think that it's really great progress for you guys to be able to touch base like this. Helps to get rid of some of the "mood tag", and cuts down on ASSumptions. This looks like a wonderful sign that shows she cares.
Maybe take her to a pirate movie tonight. Bring your id's with you, just in case it's rated RRRRRRRRR!!
Here's hoping that your day goes great!! I hoist a mug of grog to you!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
