My wife has been asking for lessons the past few days. Training pretty hard on her next degree. Lessons have been vey fun. Different. Maybe there is something there. I've noticed lately a lot of her following me. I make all the decisions, even little meaningless ones. Strange how this has evolved. It's been in a few different places. Guess I'm kinda tripping on how not long ago she was rebelling and wanted to be in control of everything. Now she wants me in control. And I notice myself taking control in most things (business relationship, etc) and it just working. No conflict.
Of course when we work out I am the teacher and her the student, she has wanted a lot of that lately. something she has rarely wanted for a long time. I'm thinking the control is part of that. A little astounded by it. Plus the physical part of it all. Lot of touching going on. And it doesn't feel like just another workout partner. This is how we got together in the past.
But tonight she wanted to go up the hill. I don't feel at all bad about this. Said she wanted some privacy to wax her legs. I think she wants to think about the changes going on.
I've done a good job of detaching the last week. Letting her go free. I think it's having an effect. I don't initiate any affection. But tonight on her way out I did. Said "hey aren't you gonna give me a kiss". She was pleasantly surprised by it I think. I think my not initiating has her a bit confused. She gave me a nice kiss.
Somebody sent her flowers today. It was a woman who was just trying to cheer her up because she has had the community put a lot of pressure on her lately. But W came out when they were delivered and was perplexed when she asked me why I got her flowers (before she had opened the card. I can see her really thinking hard. She was happy to get the flowers and made a big deal out of it.
I guess that answers my question as to if I should get her flowers for our anniversary next week. 8 Years next week and I've been struggling over what to do. I figure I'll keep her off balance, keep up my detachment, going dark kinda and then do something really nice and romantic. The contrast at least makes her think.
And the thing is, is that you can make literally *every* decision yours on some level...exp - if she heads up the hill you can always chime in with a "I think that's a good idea...." etc....and then bust her on something like "It'd be a good idea for you to escape my animal sexuality for a few days, so you're not tempted to seduce me or something"....talk about a mixed message that'd make her her spin.....heh...PLUS it reminds YOU that YOU have selected HER - not vice versa....YOU, my friend, are the SELECTOR and she's a guest in YOUR reality.
Isn't it funny tho - we step up and start making a few decisions and then suddenly - pow - the floodgates open?
Bottom line - does it work? Sure looks like it.....YOU are responded well and SHE is noticing....more of the same!
And refering to....our shared resource - well, there are plenty of tips about the whole decision making bits....
The more I think about this, the more I'm realizing that what SHE is seeing is this - a Man who knows what he wants, is strong enough to express, who'll listen to her input take in account - AND then make HIS own decision - he's a man in charge of HIS own reality and she's along for a fun ride.....
Flowers....experiment? Tell her you saw something today - something cool and that she likes - and mention to her that it made you think of her....like "W - I saw a beautiful sunrise this morning. It made me think of you." Period. End of sentence.....nothing more, nothing less. That's a gift worth giving - that you were thinking of her in context of something awesome.
Contrast is electric....just wait until you look her in the eye and say "No".....
Yes valuable stuff. Seems to be working. Hard to tell what's going on. I used to gauge things on how she kissed me. Got to make sure I don't keep that as the gauge. I guess stop pinging at all. Doesn't fit into the proper scheme.
Tommorrow is the two week mark from the Paul and Anne. I was hopeful we'd see some really positive results by the two week mark. We'll see. But I'll work on keeping my expectations from getting in the way.
Flowers are good because she loves to show off what a great husband she has to the other women. Ironic isn't it?
Today will be a great day. Massages for both of us and an exciting business meeting for me that she is insisting on being a part of.
Yes good tips in there. Probably get the first dvd today I'd imagine.
I just had a thought when she goes up the hill for a few days where are you? where are you when she comes back?
are you home waiting?
wonder what would happen if everytime she went up the hill Xue went out, visited someone a friend, had coffee, went the movies, went somewhere and when she came back Xue was not around and then came in later if she realised that everytime she went up the hill Xue went out - wonder what that would do to her thoughts
OK guys this makes not much sense at all. So that means I must be onto something.
A little history.
Something I guess I've neglected to talk about here cause it made no sense. As you all know we have a kinda adopted D17. This is a girl from a really bad background who's been a prize student of mine since she first started a decade ago. She watched lessons for two years because she was to young to start. But when she started she excelled from day one.
Well I always kinda took care of her. At the time of the bomb her sister announced got pregnant at 17 and things got rough for D17. Teenage pregnancy fits exactly into what D17's real mother wants. Puts her in a position of control and it's the way the family has always been.
So anyway W really takes her in right at bomb time. She lives with us part time. W mentioned in counseling that she did this not to be alone with me.
During all this time W has just doted over her. And in my opinion without boundaries. D17 pulls away from her and does something stupid and W is just pulled right in. This has bothered me and in some wierd way I've felt that my W has redirected her love for me to D17. I'm not jealous or resentful of this in any way. Just a wierd thought that something wierd psychologically was going on there. Didn't really get it just a gut feeling.
So also at the time of the bomb W announced she wanted to learn piano. Maybe we all should. I actually started practicing but it made her mad so I stopped. The piano went into storage.
Last couple of days she starts asking me if it would be alright if we bring it back. I say sure and yesterday she hires a piano teacher for *us*.
Last night we're having dinner and talking about this and d17 says " You said two years ago we were gonna learn piano and then you took it away" W looks right into my eyes and says I changed my mind"
Again, I'm not going to attribute any logical meaning to this but I tell you I've got a lot of intuition about it.
So D17 goes out last night. She's staying with us so I can get up way to freakin early and drive her to the ACT exams. We know she hasn't prepared for them but are encouraging any move towards going to college.
So at 2:30 in the morning I'm laying in bed knowing that D17 has not come back. W wakes up and realizes it and we're on an all out search for her. We find her at her loser boyfriends who she has led us to believe she hasn't been seeing.
W is furious and takes her home to her mother. Blows off the ACT's. Says she's never speaking to her again. Now I know she will but she's gonna be mad for awhile. But I'm thinking this is going to set some boundaries.
So I'm laying in bed after all this and i have this incredible intuition that my W is coming back to me soon and this event is going to be a catalyst for it. And strangely it's an emotionally indifferent intuition. Really strange. I just know.
Maybe we just needed a different big mess to handle
So I don't have to drive her to the ACT's anymore so I stay in bed. W has to get up to go teach a big women's self defense seminar.
So here's the biggie and I just knew she was going to do this. I hear the car start and then I hear her come back in. She comes in to give me a kiss and tell me goodbye (and of course a little nagging, need a new term for that). She came out of her way to kiss and say goodbye when she was extremely angry this is highly unusual.
I've noticed other things in the last day also. But that's big.
Yesterday I put on a presentation in front of the town movers and shakers. After we leave she starts telling me how she's going to help me make that presentation better. I ask "It wasn't good?" She says "no it was fantastic but if we just..." I just smile inside.
I think this one is for a female psych, Bj care to have a crack at it. Or not, we can leave it at the mysteries of the female if we want. Don't really care. All I care about is that when you flip the switch, the light comes on.
Xue, just letting you know I am here following along. Our lives and sitch are so far apart, I have no suggestions for you. But, I do think you are doing well. You always have. You are your own best therapist.
I am looking forward to meeting you next month. I hope you are still planning to come up this way.
TD
TwinDragon Thread #11-Dragon, flying - evaluating his world.
strange isn't it how she took this girl under her wing and obviously had big expectations for her then all of a sudden the girl is 'found' out and your wife takes the girl home to her mother
maybe the fact that she feels let down by someone (other than you) makes her realise just what kind of husband she truly could lose if she was not careful
I think I recall that she has also gone out with 'loser' types previously and believed she was in love with them
sometimes it takes someone else to screw up - for us to look at our own life and see how lucky we are
you have stuck by her through thick and thin you have kept up you support and turned yourself around she is also beginning to change
bet she is just beginning to realise that she is lucky to have you after all
don't have any big 'professional type' insight here just thinking she may be remembering her own life at 17 and when comparing where she may have been with the reality of where she is - oh well you get the picture
