Friday night we went out. However things weren't right. All week things seemed to be getting tenser and I didn't know why. Friday we went to dinner and a movie. Although we talked like friends and laughed her body language said "Stay the hell away from me".
The next morning we had coffee together as usuall (about an hour) but things were still not right.
For the past few days she had headaches and was generally irritable. I noticed hives on her neck and asked about them. She said she got bit by a bug a couple of times. I knew that was bull. I know my wife very well and I know that hives on her neck are a very bad sign. It means she is torn up inside with indecision or she is nervous.
Things had seemed to be getting continually better over the last few months as you probably know from my thread. But all of a sudden this downturn was becoming more and more evident.
I flashed back to one night around the time of the bomb drop and remembered the word "trapped".
Recently I read "Love must be tough" by dobson. It was pure coincide ence that the book got into my hands as it has been with so many things. I truly believe there is a guiding hand helping me along here.
In the book it describes the process of the feeling of entrapment. It says it can start on the honeymoon or fifty years into a marriage. According to the book my sitch is the norm.
The book totally agrees with DB. Not as in depth as DB but the one point it said might have been the key for me (in addition to everything else I've read with DB as my base)
That point is that at some point you must totally let go. You must say your own version of " I love you but you may go if you'd like". And you must mean it. Yesterday I said those words. I was feeling terribly rejected (figured out how badly that affects me and my reaction to it is not good). I went to my room and found the book and opened it to a random page. The words I found were extremely meaningful. I flipped around through it and every page I landed on had intense meaning to me.
I couldn't stay there and feel the way I did. I put a few things in the car so that I would be ready for a quick escape if I needed one. I went in to kiss W and was met with a very cold kiss. My suspicions were verified, the tension I was feeling was very real. I said I was leaving for awhile. She didn't even look up as she said Ok. I grabbed a few more things and she finally got up and came out to the truck. I would have gone in if she hadn't.
Then I said it. I said I have always loved her and always would but I didn't know what was going on with her and I didn't know how she felt. I said that before I deeply needed her. But that was back when my self esteem was in terrible shape. That need was gone but I wanted her. I wanted her as my wife. "But you can have your freedom, you can do whatever you want."
I can't remember it all. I can't remember all that was said but I know one thing. She back tracked. She had been headed out the door and she turned around and payed attention.
When I said that every night when she went to sleep on the couch it hurt me but I was shutting out that pain she said "I only sleep on the couch because you called me a quiter in our last R talk"
Now I don't know when that was or what I said but her perception of it was real no matter what was said.
She also said that she couldn't make a decision because I wouldn't let her. She relayed our discussions about another couple who is divorcing. That couple worked together also and in the three years of their separation they have run a multi million dollar company into bankruptcy. I'll give the excuse that my business is related to that company and it's downfall but the reality is that I should have not discussed that with her. I was proving my point that divorce is very bad and I should have left it alone. W took it as a threat. She thought that I was saying that if she left me she'd be left with nothing. Maybe I was, but I didn't mean too.
So now I know why the downturn, my own damn fault.
But the discussion was fruitful I believe. I was facing my greatest fear and I did it gracefully. I was matter of fact but loving. I was not emotional, I was strong.
She then told me that she had called the evil C to make an appointment. That recently she had been back in the same state she was three years ago. Grinding her teeth, not sleeping, drinking too much.
I told her that I really didn't like that woman but of course it was her choice to go to her or not.
So in the end I told her how much she meant to me and that she was my best friend. She said the same about me. We hugged for a very very long time and talked as we did. She gave me a kiss, a nice one at that, and I left.
No Idea where I was going three hours later I found myself in Tahoe. I tripped around for awhile and goofed off and I felt good. A huge burden had been lifted and I felt in control for the first time. I sat on the beach and read the book again.
Finally I called her, it was fairly late. I kept it short but light. Told her I just called to tell her I was alright and I might be home late or maybe not at all. She was very happy to hear my voice and inquisitive as to where I was but I didn't say. I could tell she wanted to talk but didn't want to pursue. There was definetely a lightness in her voice. I ended the call quickly but lovingly.
I just got back in town and she is at her sisters as expected (party for her mom). I checked her computer and she did a reverse lookup to see where the phone number I dialed from was. I had purposely forgotten my cell phone and called from a payphone.
I just talked to her and again her voice is the same. She's intrigued and happy to hear my voice. She's sounding cheerful as if nothing happened. We chatted for a few minutes and I told her how I had a great time. I made sure to be the one to end the call first. And again I said "Ok I'll see you whenever"
My bed is made, the place is spotless, my clothes are folded and put away except for one thing. My underwear are neatly stacked on my bed. This has meaning to it whether it was subconscious or not. Several days ago when I was first realizing there was something wrong I asked if I had any clean underwear. She blew up and said that making sure I had clean underwear was not her responsibility. She blew and then backtracked a bit but it was a definite blowup. That was when I knew there was definitely something wrong. So I started doing my own laundry.
The folded underwear on the made bed (she never makes my bed) seems quite a statement to me.
So I feel good. I was scared to death of that conversation and I went and thought about it for two days.
It was a huge leap of faith for me. I am very hopeful that it will turn the tides. I know that she will test me on it and already has a bit. I know that if I hold strong and pass the test I have a very good chance of pulling this all together.
She is stubborn and may move out again, I don't know but it won't faze me if she does. I'll pass the test.
I think that we are both already acting "as if" and that is a good sign. But I am giving her all the space I can. Intuitively I really knew I needed to do that and I was blowing it.
So right now I need all the positive energy and prayers I can get.
I've done a heck of a 180 and I am planning another one. I am going to "do nothing". It is her turn to work on this relationship. My working on it has done a lot of good but there are places where I have hurt it. Right now I need to stop and do nothing. It is a total 180 for me as I am more of a Mr. Fixit than anyone I have ever met.
And speaking of positive energy and 180's. I got my first tattoo. It is the chinese symbol for positive energy which also happens to be the name of my company. I wanted it as a reminder to myself to always take the high road. The upper character (sheng) means "of high moral character". the lower character (chi) means energy. Together they mean positive energy and much more. When I feel myself about to spout vitriole and manipulation I will remember that tattoo on my arm. It will be my constant reminder.
It's for me but the 180 of getting it will also shock my W. It's funny though, that means very little to me. Before I would have done it only to manipulate. But today I did it entirely for me. Strange how this process changes us so.
So positive energy and good vibes please. I need the Maharishi effect working in my favor tonight. I need a hundred monkeys.
