Honey. Sweetheart. You do need to listen to these people here. They are getting angry because they are trying to help you - and they see you continue to spiral downward.
I agree - you are emotionally worse now than you were before. We know why:
1) Your H is hanging around with OW. This can drive anyone crazy. 2) You just had a new beautiful little girl. Your hormones are still going crazy and this may not get better soon (post partum depression). Depression is a horrible monster if you cannot get it under control. 3) You are young and have grown up in the age of instant gratification - everything we always want is available at our finger tips. 4) There is some childhood baggage that perhaps you haven't dealt with.
So listen to what these people have to say - they care - they love you - they want to help you. Sometimes love has to be tough love. I for one don't want to see you fall flat on your face in order to realize what it is you need to do. But I think many on this BB would like you to do that - because then you can pick up the pieces and do what your smart brain already knows.
Ever see the Wizard of Oz? You have had what it takes right from the start to get yourself out of Oz and back to Emily. You have had it all along. But you have to cut through the list above and be sure you don't allow that to get in your way.
A little story to help you understand.... My W growing up always had to have a boyfriend or a man in her life - because her parents D when she was 9. She started having sex early and was never without a boyfriend because her Dad didn't pay her enough attention - he gave the attention to her brother. She was never really completely happy with herself - content with who she was. Look at us now. 13 1/2 years of M, 4 children later and I am just about staring a D in the face. Why? Because my W was not happy with herself (BTW - I know my contributions to our problems). She felt she had lived her life to others expectations and felt like she always had to need someone to be happy - when she was never really happy with herself.
Don't make this same mistake! Do you want to get married again and find this out later in life? Do you want another D? It is normal to want someone to love you and to feel touch. We are all suffering in that regards and don't think that I haven't thought about throwing in the towel and going out to find someone. But I didn't succumb to the temptation. Don't feel bad for thinking this way. One of the biggest fears in life for people is fear of rejection. We are not fearing rejection - we are all flat out being rejected, totally completely 100%! But don't let this thinking get the best of you. If you really need some "gratification", there are "battery powered ways" for you to make this happen (okay I feel creepy for giving this advice...).
You know what I do? I don't look at what I don't have (namely my W). I look at what I have - what I have been blessed with. Have you done this? If not, do it every night and every morning. This is what I see you are blessed with:
1. You are alive. 2. You are young. 3. You have two beautiful angels. 4. You have people in your life that care about you. 5. You are learning things right now what others your age will not learn until later if ever!
I am sure there are many more.
If you want to focus on what you don't have - then focus on the things that you don't have THAT YOU CAN CHANGE. If you don't have self-esteem - go out and find it! If you don't have a drivers license - make it happen.
I have taken the time to create a priority list for you. I only included the top 5 things you should be focusing on doing and if you disagree, it won't hurt my feelings.
1. EMILY 2. EMILY 3. EMILY 4. EMILY 5. EMILY
Take this time to learn about EMILY. Take this time to rebuild/repair EMILY. Get some professional counseling. Be aware of the chance of post-partum depression setting in. Don't talk about it. Go out and do it. Get away from the keyboard and make it happen.
Do you still feel the need to go out and find someone to be with? Do you really want to go out and find that person you want to be with? I will tell you exactly where to find this person. Go to a bathroom and look in the mirror! It is yourself! This is who you need to be with right now - only yourself. You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. This is your number one priority. If you are happy/healthy then you will be your best - and those two little angels need your best right now.
