One thing comes to mind when I read your most recent post. Delayed gratification. This concept is often used with children: telling a child "you can have one piece of candy now, or 3 pieces later". In other words, you can find yourself one scumbag guy now, or you can wait, take your focus off of the instantly gratifying quick fix you are longing for, work on yourself, and you'll end up with a much better guy later (and far more importantly, a much better Emily). In fact, this goes hand in hand - if you can't improve yourself, you will have to settle for someone as a partner that is far less than you deserve. Even Kevin will be forced to grow as a person in response to your growth if he decides to stay in your life.
The fact is, and this is what we're all trying to tell you, no matter what your emotions tell you, there is NO quick fix for ANYTHING. The ONLY answer to finding someone that you want to be with is by BECOMING the person that you need to fulfill the void within you. Once you accept this responsibility, you will cease to blame others for what they do to you, because you will do for yourself what you need and want.
Right now, I believe you resent almost everyone in your life. I think you blame everyone and their mother for you not being fulfilled, and you see this fulfillment existing just over the next crest in the hill. You keep acknowledging that you need to work on yourself, and you set very concrete goals, but you have yet to take responsibility for your life.
You are at a crossroads. You can either accept the responsibilities of the choices you have already made and become a mature person, acknowledging your need to grow, or you can fight reality, resent your children for preventing you from running around and escaping your life through vice. Which of these people do you want to be? I think it's time for you to start thinking from a higher place, guide yourself by your intellect and spirit, and stop allowing your emotions to dictate everything else.
You can do all that you want to do, and more. You just need to accept that your perspective - one that HAS worked for you for so long (because you have gotten some instantly gratifying feedback in the form of attention, negative or otherwise) is NOT accomplishing what you want and NEED from your life. For you and your children.
I hope you are able to accept that the honesty you have received here is truly an expression of compassion. We are not beating YOU down, we are questioning and attacking your habits and perspective. If you think we are wrong, stand up for yourself. By defending your position, you will only make yourself stronger through self evaluation and understanding, and you might just help a lot of people out her by doing so.
We are all here expecting you to take the difficult steps it takes to face your demons, and we expect you to succeed. This is why it's so frustrating when you continue to hide behind all the crap that you do. It's much better to try and fail than it is never to try. The fact is that the ONLY way you can truly fail here is by NOT trying!
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
