I don't want you to fall apart any more than you are by all the posts you have gotten lately. Read each and every one of them and you will realize everyone is trying to help. They sound harsh but sometimes that is what we need to pick ourselves up and move forward.
It is time to grow up and be a mom. So what if you can't be a wife right now, you are still a mom. You made the comment that you have baggage, a lot of us have that baggage and we are thankful for it. Just think, if you didn't have your girls you would be out there partying and maybe even bedhopping and that isn't what you need to be doing. Those girls of yours are angels to help you. They need a mom right now and you need to get yourself together and be there for them.
As weird as it seems, I feel my separation with my H (we just hit 17 months apart) has helped both him and me grow up. My H and I married young also. He is 3 years younger than me and didn't get a chance to enjoy being on his own. That is what he is doing now. I love him enough to give him the chance to do this. We have been married 17 years and have a 15 year old and a 12 year old. If it weren't for my girls, I would have climbed into bed when he left and never gotten up. What for? I felt my life was over. Was I ever wrong. My life isn't over, it is just taking a different turn than I planned for. Your life is what you make of it.
You need to stop stalking him. He isn't going to come running back if you continue this. By stalking I mean calling him, looking on my space, emailing him. You need to just drop him for now. The more you worry about his life, the more you are damaging yours. Sometimes not knowing things are better. I used to snoop in my H's car when he had it parked and was out of town. I would drive by his work to see if he was there. I would drive by his apartment to see if he was home. I would call his cell phone from a pay phone just to see if he would answer or not. What did it get me??? Just a lot of headaches. If I don't snoop or try to call him all the time then I won't see or find something that might upset me. Out of the 7 or 8 months I did this, not once did I find anything that would upset me but just the thought of finding something would make me cry. You can't do this to yourself.
About the "needing" a man. That too will pass. I went through the same thing but deep down do you think you are really ready for that? You don't want to add anything more to your plate. You are an emotional wreck as it is, if you meet up with someone or find a "new boyfriend" then it will just cause more problems for you. When I went through that phase I was ready for the "sure thing" but was glad I never followed through. If I can't wait for my H to go through whatever it is he is going through, then I don't deserve him. My H is not out there with other women so I don't need to be looking for any other men. You might say since your H is with other women then why can't you? Because you are better than that. Two wrongs don't make a right. If you wanted to do it just to get back at him then I am telling you it will backfire.
Put all your energy and effort into you and your kids. Put everything else on the back burner for now. You are so focused on your H and everything going wrong that you can't function in day to day things. You need to pick yourself up and live your life. Don't worry about anything but the 3 of you.
Give it a try. You will be surprised in how happy you can be. I am not saying everyday will be peaches and cream but at least you can enjoy a few hours each day.
