Quote: Why does everything remind me of her (the OW)?
I mean I see a Grand Am, I hear a name, ANYTHING . . . . other young blonde girls. . . I just don't get it. I am always thinking about her . . her and him. Them. Why can't I be part of a them? I'd be happy if I thought another man would even look my way . . . . I don't want to be alone forever.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Emily (and pardon me RB) I want to point out that as harsh as RB and others are being, NOW would be a GREAT time for you to start to stand up for yourself. Is RB wrong? If so, why?
If you are hurt by this outburst of anger, well, know that many of us are hurt by what SEEMS to be your constant desire for drama and your own selfishness. We KNOW you are young but that's no excuse.
I won't abandon you but at the same time, personally, like Amy, I need to see you find some way to get out of this cycle before spending a lot more time trying to drive home the same 3-4 points to you.
I think a LOT of people here have said how strong you are. Prove them right by showing up when you gather yourself and begin to move forward... or just stay angry, pouting and pissed that RB calls it like he sees it. It's up to you, just like all the rest of this.
I think that you need to find someone (professional) to talk to - people on here can't help you at the moment
what's happened is everyone gets wrapped up in your problems and trying to help you out they identify with you and how you feel and become attached to Emily - right now you are not handling things too well and that is where everyone is getting emotional its not because they don't care its because they care too much they can't do much for you except post replies but the more out of control your emotions become the more helpless everyone is hence trying anything at all to drag you out of this total funk you are in
no one is giving up on you Emily so don't give up on yourself
when you read this post please get out the phone book and call someone for help do you have phone counselling in the states? in Australia we have lifeline - you need someone who is emotionally unattached from you and your situation who can listen but be more objective
please promise you will find someone you can go and talk to
as I said before only Emily can help Emily only you get to make the choices you need to only you get to live with those choices
at the moment you are so focused on Kevin that you have remarrying and having a family - that may be or it may not
you have forgotten all the principles of DBing looking for proof of what you are thinking working on getting a life for yourself
by setting goals such as I will not call him you set yourself up for failure Emily a better goal is to not call for two hours and then half a day but you cannot do this alone Emily
the reality is you recently had a baby and that alone can tip your world on its axis
please find someone with expertise in these matters to help this is much more than just your marriage breaking up you cannot do this alone
BJ, thank you for being a voice of reason. I am as guilty as anyone else for letting my emotions run freely when it comes to Emily. I truly hope she hears what you are saying, first, that MANY, MANY here care for her but are simply frustrated and that she needs to seek local, real-world help for herself.
I really haven't followed your sitch much, but really kind of picked up on the last tirade. I think BJ, GH and others here really have some good sound advice for you. Look, I know how frustrating this all is, and I have to admit, that at the beginning of my ordeal, I had many of the same raw emotions that you are currently experiencing. In fact, I had many, many negative emotions....and probably thought about a lot of the stuff that you voiced here.
Yes, it is unfair. Yes, it sucks. But, you have children who need you and a full life ahead of you. You have to find a balance and find a way to deal with these emotions in a positive, productive way. Maybe you need outside help, maybe you can pull yourself up by the bootstraps and find peace. Whatever it is you need to do, please do it.
I'm pulling for you and hope today finds you in better spirits.
Out of curiosity, where in PA do you reside? Do you have access to resources that would allow you to seek counseling?
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I don't want you to fall apart any more than you are by all the posts you have gotten lately. Read each and every one of them and you will realize everyone is trying to help. They sound harsh but sometimes that is what we need to pick ourselves up and move forward.
It is time to grow up and be a mom. So what if you can't be a wife right now, you are still a mom. You made the comment that you have baggage, a lot of us have that baggage and we are thankful for it. Just think, if you didn't have your girls you would be out there partying and maybe even bedhopping and that isn't what you need to be doing. Those girls of yours are angels to help you. They need a mom right now and you need to get yourself together and be there for them.
As weird as it seems, I feel my separation with my H (we just hit 17 months apart) has helped both him and me grow up. My H and I married young also. He is 3 years younger than me and didn't get a chance to enjoy being on his own. That is what he is doing now. I love him enough to give him the chance to do this. We have been married 17 years and have a 15 year old and a 12 year old. If it weren't for my girls, I would have climbed into bed when he left and never gotten up. What for? I felt my life was over. Was I ever wrong. My life isn't over, it is just taking a different turn than I planned for. Your life is what you make of it.
You need to stop stalking him. He isn't going to come running back if you continue this. By stalking I mean calling him, looking on my space, emailing him. You need to just drop him for now. The more you worry about his life, the more you are damaging yours. Sometimes not knowing things are better. I used to snoop in my H's car when he had it parked and was out of town. I would drive by his work to see if he was there. I would drive by his apartment to see if he was home. I would call his cell phone from a pay phone just to see if he would answer or not. What did it get me??? Just a lot of headaches. If I don't snoop or try to call him all the time then I won't see or find something that might upset me. Out of the 7 or 8 months I did this, not once did I find anything that would upset me but just the thought of finding something would make me cry. You can't do this to yourself.
About the "needing" a man. That too will pass. I went through the same thing but deep down do you think you are really ready for that? You don't want to add anything more to your plate. You are an emotional wreck as it is, if you meet up with someone or find a "new boyfriend" then it will just cause more problems for you. When I went through that phase I was ready for the "sure thing" but was glad I never followed through. If I can't wait for my H to go through whatever it is he is going through, then I don't deserve him. My H is not out there with other women so I don't need to be looking for any other men. You might say since your H is with other women then why can't you? Because you are better than that. Two wrongs don't make a right. If you wanted to do it just to get back at him then I am telling you it will backfire.
Put all your energy and effort into you and your kids. Put everything else on the back burner for now. You are so focused on your H and everything going wrong that you can't function in day to day things. You need to pick yourself up and live your life. Don't worry about anything but the 3 of you.
Give it a try. You will be surprised in how happy you can be. I am not saying everyday will be peaches and cream but at least you can enjoy a few hours each day.
One thing comes to mind when I read your most recent post. Delayed gratification. This concept is often used with children: telling a child "you can have one piece of candy now, or 3 pieces later". In other words, you can find yourself one scumbag guy now, or you can wait, take your focus off of the instantly gratifying quick fix you are longing for, work on yourself, and you'll end up with a much better guy later (and far more importantly, a much better Emily). In fact, this goes hand in hand - if you can't improve yourself, you will have to settle for someone as a partner that is far less than you deserve. Even Kevin will be forced to grow as a person in response to your growth if he decides to stay in your life.
The fact is, and this is what we're all trying to tell you, no matter what your emotions tell you, there is NO quick fix for ANYTHING. The ONLY answer to finding someone that you want to be with is by BECOMING the person that you need to fulfill the void within you. Once you accept this responsibility, you will cease to blame others for what they do to you, because you will do for yourself what you need and want.
Right now, I believe you resent almost everyone in your life. I think you blame everyone and their mother for you not being fulfilled, and you see this fulfillment existing just over the next crest in the hill. You keep acknowledging that you need to work on yourself, and you set very concrete goals, but you have yet to take responsibility for your life.
You are at a crossroads. You can either accept the responsibilities of the choices you have already made and become a mature person, acknowledging your need to grow, or you can fight reality, resent your children for preventing you from running around and escaping your life through vice. Which of these people do you want to be? I think it's time for you to start thinking from a higher place, guide yourself by your intellect and spirit, and stop allowing your emotions to dictate everything else.
You can do all that you want to do, and more. You just need to accept that your perspective - one that HAS worked for you for so long (because you have gotten some instantly gratifying feedback in the form of attention, negative or otherwise) is NOT accomplishing what you want and NEED from your life. For you and your children.
I hope you are able to accept that the honesty you have received here is truly an expression of compassion. We are not beating YOU down, we are questioning and attacking your habits and perspective. If you think we are wrong, stand up for yourself. By defending your position, you will only make yourself stronger through self evaluation and understanding, and you might just help a lot of people out her by doing so.
We are all here expecting you to take the difficult steps it takes to face your demons, and we expect you to succeed. This is why it's so frustrating when you continue to hide behind all the crap that you do. It's much better to try and fail than it is never to try. The fact is that the ONLY way you can truly fail here is by NOT trying!
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I want to clarify here. Emily is, if anything, in worse shape than she was 29 pages ago when she started posting in the infidelity forum, and I don't think she's made any progress in the more than 85 pages that she's generated altogether, because she is completely unwilling to change herself. At least, in the beginning, she pretended to have some integrity. All that everyone here has accomplished, with considerable effort, has been to make her lie, use her kids as weapons, and try to sleep around. She has not taken one single piece of advice from anyone -- on many occasions she has said that she would, but then she's really done the exact opposite.
I do not believe that Emily is incapable of change. I do believe, though, that she won't change. There are over 85 pages of sitch to support that contention.
There are plenty of people on these forums who really do want help, who aren't on this board just to jerk people around. Personally, though I'm certainly not trying to tell anyone else what to do, I think we should be spending our time helping them instead giving Emily the enjoyment of playing her little games.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Good morning Emily it is time for you to see who you really are, and be what you know you can be. You are a great person. Start feeling it please, remember what I said to you God has blessed you with a spirit he (KEVIN) cannot break, do not let Kevin do this to you, you have power ,look inside ,find it take hold of it and do not under any circumstances let "them" take it anymore. Please be good to yourself and your spirit.
,look inside ,find it take hold of it and do not under any circumstances let "them" take it anymore.