Quote: I prayed lastnight before I went to bed. I told God I didn't know what to do or where to turn. But that I needed his peace and I wanted to be on the right path and if he would show me I would follow. Then once again my H called and said our marriage was over.
Emily,
Listen to me. That phone call was not a sign from God that your marriage should be over. I know that because Kevin has not placed himself in a position to be used like that by God, to answer your prayers. Do not let the enemy deceive you like that. God's will is that your marriage overcome these issues, be restored and be a testimony of Him, His grace, His mercy and His unconditional love. The problem, as with most of us, is that only one of us is seeking the Lord's will. That's okay, too, though because one person can stand as an intercessor and if they are in rightstanding with God, all of hell cannot prevent His will from coming to pass. All of us that are standing and claiming His Word for our marriages have to check ourselves DAILY to ensure our walk is upright. I can tell you, we're never perfect. Not a day passes that I do not need forgiveness. But His mercy is new EACH MORNING. So though we stumble, He upholds us in His right hand.
As you have been lost, so is your husband. I daresay he is even more lost than you have been. The only difference is he has yet to realize what he needs. You have at least begun to talk to God. How much longer until Kevin will? We do not know. It is much harder for a man to turn to God. That is because it is so ingrained in them to BE the MAN, the provider, the strong one...etc... Emily, you are Kevin's wife. None of the crap going on changes that. You are in this position because YOU are the strongest one of the two of you. For sure it does not feel that way. But trust me, God knows better. I like something I put on our church sign once. It was this... "God does not call the qualified He qualifies the called".
Think about that.
And let Him finish the good work He has begun in you.
Then, having been strengthened, you will really learn how to stand. For yourself AND for your marriage.
Your words actually comforted me. I don't know if Kevin will ever go to God. He wasn't exactly raised that way. His Grandfather was a pastor . . . but his parents do not really believe. My father is a pastor . . . as much as I thought church was "drag" as a teenager . . I realize that it's been a BIG help. I honestly that has a lot to do with getting back to Emily . . is getting back the peace of God that I lost.
I'm so scared to let go because I'm worried that I'll never have a chance to grab back ahold of him. I know that right now it's what "WE" need. . . but I'm scared he'll move WAY on with his life and get remarried to the OW . . . and then sure I'll be able to proceed with someone else. . . but that's not what I want. I said my vows once . . . and I ment them . . . PHHHHHTTTT . . . . It's a hard call to make . . . maybe he'll make it for me and just not call anymore. He's good at that.
Quote: I'm so scared to let go because I'm worried that I'll never have a chance to grab back ahold of him.
And that Emily, is the core of your issues.
When you can feel fine and worthwhile without having to 'grab ahold of' a man, when your identity is not wrapped up in whether or not you have a man, when Emily is happy to be EMILY, THAT will be the time when you are finally free of the chains that hold you down.
That is the lesson MY WIFE had to learn about herself. When she did, we were able to be together again. Not as codependent and needy people but as our authentic selves.
Thanks Frank.
I understand exactly what you are saying.
It is most definately an issue I am trying to address . . . slow is the progress.
As I said right now (meaning this morning at least ) it's not so much about being alone it's about us never having another shot because he marries the OW and starts another family.
*He's the one that should get fixed for society's sake. He'll keep having babies and running out on them
Well he didn't try to call me lastnight.
I talked to him for a second because I am low on money and Felina needs diapers. So I called to see if he would at least man up and buy some. His phone was all static and he said if he had service he would call me later.
But I'm guessing he spent the night on the phone with OW.
ARGG.
I have to stop caring it's driving me batty.
I just keep praying that God will keep me alright and that hopefully he can soften Kevin's heart.
I don't know what else to do.
Well within an hour I should be on my way to ride a horse I'm excited about that.
I wish I could sleep better at night.
I seem to be awake a lot.
I need that peace back . . but I'm having trouble letting it in.
He preaches at a LITTLE local church (average Sunday attendance is about 10 . . haha) . . they are all OLD. It's cute though.
I had a blast . . . I think I made a friend (Prince the horse ) . . . I was nervious because it's probably been 6 years since I've been on a horse . . but it was nothing.
He only got a little hardheaded once . . .
It was beautiful to be on the hillside on a horse with the breeze and a great friend.
It was theraputic.
I think all animals are.
When we got back and Prince rubbed his head into my stomach (almost like a horsie hug) it was the best feeling in the world.
T2SP . . . my inner thighs are a little sore . . but not too bad now . . maybe tomorrow more will hurt.
It was a good workout . . but I do chase a 2 year old around right now . . so I use quite a few muscles daily.
My H still hasn't bothered to call me back.
He's suppose to be getting done with this phase of training tomorrow.
So I left him message asking him to please call and let me know if I needed to make arrangements for him to see the girls . . .
If not it's REALLY shitty that he is choosing OW over his baby girls (he practically has to drive by my house to get back "home" to her.)
I told him he wouldn't have to see me if he didn't want to.
I am still praying for peace . . . my heart is still in a big knot.
I miss him. . .
I really do.
Alright I called and left him a message saying something to the effect of . .
I don't care if you turn your back on me . . BUT don't you dare burn these little girls for HER. Don't you dare hurt your children. They deserve better than that from you . . . maybe I don't but THEY do. I told you you don't even have to see me . . I'll arrange for someone to interact with you if you would like . . . don't turn your back on your kids Kevin.
I don't care if it was wrong . . I had to tell him how I felt about what he is doing to them. I almost hope it does push him farther away.
First of all one thing that I had to learn for myself as a father is that we are responsible for our relationship with our children. You are not responsible for your Hs relationship with his girls. As you already know - he is walking out on your M. Why wouldn't he walk out on your children? Sorry to be harsh - but it is true.
If you need financial assistance for the children - then seek it. But don't concern yourself with your Hs relationship with his kids - this is his problem to solve - not yours!
I read somewhere that it takes about 3 weeks to rid yourself of a habit or change behaviors "permanently". So I recommend to you that you go dark on your H and not contact him for anything for 3 weeks. Use this time to work on Emily and get your thinking focused on you. Quit worrying about when/if he will call - expect nothing. If you need financial support, do what you need to do.
Horse back riding sounded fun right? Don't you want to do more of this kind of thing PLUS work on building yourself up? Then do it.
You can do it Emily. You have many rooting for you.
I really am going crazy here! I feel like I can't sit still. I am all nervious and . . . I don't know why. I am trying to pick up my house a little as my DD has taken a nap now for 4 days (which severly cuts down on clean time) . . . I don't know if she is pickin up the tension from me or what BUT she has just hit a "terrible twos" period HARD!!!! Hopefully she'll come out of it. It's putting MORE stress on my already frassled mental state . . . and quite frankly it can't be good for her to always be mad and crying and not taking naps. The other night when my H called and told me it was off again she was up A LOT. Do you think my stress is becoming her stress at such a young age? I don't want to worry my DD.
