Thanks All . . . I cannot find that peace because I am fighting a fight that I cannot win.
I was right . . my marriage is over . . in everyway imaginable. I just wanted to believe all those sweet lies he was telling me. I wanted to feel him next to me and hear his heart beat again. I miss that beat. I miss the way he smells and how he is ALWAYS so hot . . . I can't stand to sleep next to him in the summer. I miss him.
I prayed lastnight before I went to bed. I told God I didn't know what to do or where to turn. But that I needed his peace and I wanted to be on the right path and if he would show me I would follow. Then once again my H called and said our marriage was over. I am fighting my path . . . because my fear of being alone and having my babies wonder about there daddy is so great. I can't see far enough down the path to know if Kev and I will ever get back together and that bothers me . . . but of course doesn't ever show us his whole plan . . . he doesn't have to.
I am trying to surrender . . . but it's so very hard. I am really looking forward to tomorrow. I just have a feeling that being in that barn with those animals is going to bring about a change in me. Don't ask me why I feel that way. It's nothing I can explain it's just a calm spot in my storm. Thank God for small miracles.
Amy . . . I sounded like a different person . . . WOW! I want that calmness and peace back. First I have to stop resisting. That's the hard part.
