Thanks Santhony . . That's my problem . . . LETTING GO! I just want to be in control!
I was doing soooo well . . . I am so sorry all! SOOO SORRY!!!
I just wanted to add that when he said about maybe not being able to call I gave him some crap story about how I was going out anyway. I really don't have plans . . Emily may stop by . . . but I just wanted him to think I wouldn't be sitting at home feeling miserable.
Tomorrow morning I am going up the farm with Kerry (a friend) and we are going to go out riding. I can't wait! I used to LOVE to ride. If I could just get back in touch with animal I feel that I could put myself on a more even plain . . I love nature . . it seems to help balance me . . If I had my furrbaby to hug and cry on right now . . I wouldn't need Kevin. I don't want to cry on my babies that's not fair to them . . and I never cry to my friends. I miss my pets
Anyway . . . . It can't get worse. So maybe I'll be divorced. . . Maybe I wasn't right for him. . I came to terms with all of this before . . . although I'm not sure how.
If I really am a "fat man" looking women . . . what are the odds of me ever getting back into a R . .. I'm laughing here guys . . . just laugh with me. I know of 3 guys who would date me kids and all (I know this isn't important right now. I don't need another person so soon .. ) It's the point that I must not be that bad looking . . . Different maybe . . . but certainly not ugly.
Emily, will you just read what we are saying and realize that you are living 100% in someone else's world? You are 100% living for other people. You pay lip service to these things you want but then they are SO easily disrupted by not only your H, but friends, family not to mention OW.
Live your own damn life. Sorry to say, but you are nowhere CLOSE to limbo. You do not have a R with your H. You have to accept that and move on, not to divorce or even accepting that it's over, just ON to something else (read:NOT ANOTHER MAN) for YOU. You are also nowhere close to living for you, without these daily flip-flops by him affecting you to your core. I think that's why Amy is saying you need more strength before attempting some of the more difficult DBish things.
Emily, trust me, we will KNOW when you finally make the decision not to live like this, as a pawn in his life. We will know because you will stop SAYING you are doing it 35 times a post and actually start DOING it. Your posts will be about HOW you are doing it, not about wanting to do it, or having decided to do so.
I am not coming down on you. Time will work it's magic on you, but in the meantime, I wish you would just stop going in circles or at the very least, recognize HIS cycle for what it is and decide to remove that cycle from your life.
It's great to talk about all this, and this is the place to do it, but at some point, you have to start doing things.
Let him call. Let the phone ring till it hurts your ears - better yet - turn it off.
If you answer it, he knows you are there for him and will keep the door open for him - this enables him to have his cake and eat it too. If you don't he will use this as a reason to be with OW.
Quote: I know this game . . and I don't want to play it anymore.
Then DON'T!
Stop - Detach baby! Who gives a rats a$$ if he calls you!Right now you don't need time to think (IMHO). You need some distractions. I make myself crazy when I think because no matter what we think about it will almost always return to thoughts of our S in the A with someone else.
So distract yourself. Paint your nails. Take a bath. Listen to your favorite music. Go outside and dance barefoot in the grass with one hand waving wildly in the air - dance like no one is looking! Make a cool drink, put your feet up and just breath deeply in and out!
One of my old friends from downstate . . just wrote me a note and this part made me bawl . . .
Quote: Sorry to here things are in the can now but a great lady like you will always come out on top. just keep your head up
I need a break . . I don't know what to do . . I'd like to go to the bar . . . BUT I can't take that road . . . I cannot do that for my babies . . they need me MORE than I need "chemical help".
THIS TOO SHALL PASS . . . .
Let me vent for today and tomorrow I will be better . . .
No one wants to be alone. You are not alone. You have us and your wonderful girls.
Quote: Let me vent for today and tomorrow I will be better . . .
You say that now but can you really say you will be better? No, you can't so you might as well start now. You have had your chance to vent, now it is your chance to shine!!! Get out and enjoy life. Take your kids to the park or outside for a walk. There is always something to do to keep busy. You have too much free time on your hands. The best way to get through this is to stay busy.
You made the comment he sounded worried when you didn't answer the phone until a couple calls. See, it works. When my H left, I would call him 10 times or at least til he answered the phone. He told me to call and leave a message and he would call me back. He doesn't practice what he preaches. He will call the house phone and if we don't answer, he calls our daughters phone or mine. He will keep calling all 3 phones until someone answers. He has called up to 13 times in a 20 minutes time span. First thing he asks, where were you? He always sounds worried. No matter if they say they aren't, they are. They say things that they don't mean. They don't want us thinking they are thinking about us.
Starting now, you are finished your venting and you will start living.....
Quote: I know that I came here looking to save my marriage. My marriage is over now (maybe not in the eyes of the court system) but in every other way. My marriage is over. It's not about saving my marriage anymore . . . it's about saving me.
I am proud of myself. I was thinking about this, this morning:
When he left in May I didn't sleep for DAYS . . or eat anything . . I couldn't stand being by myself . . . I couldn't stand being in my apartment because "everything reminded me of him".
I do still think about him a lot because stupid stuff reminds me of him. Yes I still hurt and I do cry. But I'm not panicked and scared like I was the lasttime. I'm not upset so much that marriage is over more that he moved on so fast. That's what hurts me MORE. Last time he left . . sure I was horrified that he would be with OW . . . I let her walk with all day *Alimari understands this fully . . she's the one that first helped me understand how to voice it* . . . I took her to bed with me at night and woke up beside her in the morning.
She is no where in my thoughts now. Every now and then I get a twinge of pain because I want to know what makes her better than me. (I always thought I was prettier anyway).
Quote: I really do feel better. I keep wishing that the phone would ring and it would be him. That way he would now that he is not holding me down or back. It'll take me longer to do some of the things I want to do because there's not another person who can go out and work full time. . . . . . BUT I will do it!
I know that sense of accomplishment will really make me feel good. I just broke down today when Felina fell asleep in my lap and Kiya was sitting across the room from me in her swing . . I broke down bawling and just told God I was sooo sorry for all of this and that I really wanted him to help me repair myself for my girls. I am willing to do ANYTHING for these girls.
Quote: Well church was nice . . then we went and had subs at a little local store and visited with another friend. Pleasant. Tonight my parents are going to watch Felina and the other Emily and I are going to go to Target. It just opened today so it'll probably be CRAZY . . but hey it'll be interesting.
I don't feel any great sense of relief today. I still have a strange peace (well strange to me) about everything . . . I know I can't change anything but myself. I do not see my marriage to Kevin ever working as anything again. But I understand now that I can grow and learn and be the best for my kids and someday another man.
I am sad for the loss . . . but I know I am better off.
Quote: I had a BLAST tonight. . . . I felt like the old Emily was coming back. I felt good. . . no more of that "seeing the OW in everyone" and worrying that I am ugly and unwanted. I just went out (only to Target mind you) and didn't care! We had a BLAST with the sunglasses. You can imagine.
I'm not having a hard time wishing he'd come back or anything . . . now though I seem to be rehashing things to figure out if he ment them or not over the past 7 months. I just try to stop myself . . and tell myself it's pointless to think about it.
It doesn't matter anymore. It still hurts that I was that lied to. Did he do it just to see his daughter get born? Who knows? I never wanted him to lie to me . . . I always wanted the truth . . . was I that unapproachable? Who knows? Not me . .
OK that's the thought process . . I'm not obsessing over it . . It's just knocking around my head a little bit.
I feel these 4 walls closing in My face up against the glass Im looking out... hmm Is this my life im wondering It happened so fast How do I turn this thing around Is this the bed I chose to make Its greener pastures i'm thinking about hmm Wide open spaces far away
All I want is the wind in my hair To face the fear but, I feel scared
[Chorus:] wild horses I want to be like u Though we caution to the wind I run free too Wish I could recklessly love, like im longing too Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses! Ohh yeaaa yea
I see the girl I wanna be Riding bare back, care free alone For sure If only that someone was me Jumpin head first headlong with out a fall To act and tear the consequence I wish it could be that easy But fear surrounds me like a fence I wanna break freee ee yeah ohh
All I want is the wind in my hair To face the fear but, I feel scared Hoohhh woah woah
LOVE YOURSELF FIRST EMILY,,
WHEN MY JOURNEY FIRST BEGAN((( AND I AM AN OLD WOMAN COMPARED TO YOU SWEETIE.))) I USED TO PLAY WILD HORSES OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND CRY. I HAVE COME TO REALIZE I WAS CRYING FOR MYSELF,,, WHO WAS I ?,, WHERE WAS I ? ,,, I HAD LOST MYSELF. IT IS GOING TO BE A JOURNEY BUT DAMN IT YOU CAN DO THIS.
FIND YOURSELF,,, IF OTHERS HAVE THE BEAUTY YOU ARE LOOKING FOR YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF FASTER. WE HERE WILL HELP YOU EVERY STEP OF THE WAY BUT PEOPLE IN YOUR WORLD WHO ARE HURTING YOU NEED TO STOP. IF AND WHEN KEVIN EVER COMES BACK FULLY TO YOU,, NOONE CAN ANSWER, BUT PLEASE STOP HOLDING YOUR BREATH LOVE. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL ITS TIME TO START. NOW, not later or tomorrow, NOW. Work on yourself honey , the rest will fall into place.
Thanks All . . . I cannot find that peace because I am fighting a fight that I cannot win.
I was right . . my marriage is over . . in everyway imaginable. I just wanted to believe all those sweet lies he was telling me. I wanted to feel him next to me and hear his heart beat again. I miss that beat. I miss the way he smells and how he is ALWAYS so hot . . . I can't stand to sleep next to him in the summer. I miss him.
I prayed lastnight before I went to bed. I told God I didn't know what to do or where to turn. But that I needed his peace and I wanted to be on the right path and if he would show me I would follow. Then once again my H called and said our marriage was over. I am fighting my path . . . because my fear of being alone and having my babies wonder about there daddy is so great. I can't see far enough down the path to know if Kev and I will ever get back together and that bothers me . . . but of course doesn't ever show us his whole plan . . . he doesn't have to.
I am trying to surrender . . . but it's so very hard. I am really looking forward to tomorrow. I just have a feeling that being in that barn with those animals is going to bring about a change in me. Don't ask me why I feel that way. It's nothing I can explain it's just a calm spot in my storm. Thank God for small miracles.
Amy . . . I sounded like a different person . . . WOW! I want that calmness and peace back. First I have to stop resisting. That's the hard part.
Just adding a thought . . . I feel like the OW in this sitch . . . I mean she calls and he misses her . . .she doesn't want him and he wants her more. I do those things and it pushes him farther away. I will not do them anymore. I should just let them be "happy" together. I feel like she is using him . . . I really do . . . I feel like he is going to get burned. But what do I know? Why should I care may be a better question.
I don't want to hurt anymore . . . I have to make the choice to walk away . . . It's so hard because all of my heart is screaming for me to STAY and tough it out now. My head is calmly telling me to RUN the other direction . . and keep saying, "I'll be better off. I'll find someone who REALLY loves me."
and your wonderful girls. 