Quote: I know that I came here looking to save my marriage. My marriage is over now (maybe not in the eyes of the court system) but in every other way. My marriage is over. It's not about saving my marriage anymore . . . it's about saving me.
I am proud of myself. I was thinking about this, this morning:
When he left in May I didn't sleep for DAYS . . or eat anything . . I couldn't stand being by myself . . . I couldn't stand being in my apartment because "everything reminded me of him".
I do still think about him a lot because stupid stuff reminds me of him. Yes I still hurt and I do cry. But I'm not panicked and scared like I was the lasttime. I'm not upset so much that marriage is over more that he moved on so fast. That's what hurts me MORE. Last time he left . . sure I was horrified that he would be with OW . . . I let her walk with all day *Alimari understands this fully . . she's the one that first helped me understand how to voice it* . . . I took her to bed with me at night and woke up beside her in the morning.
She is no where in my thoughts now. Every now and then I get a twinge of pain because I want to know what makes her better than me. (I always thought I was prettier anyway).
Quote: I really do feel better. I keep wishing that the phone would ring and it would be him. That way he would now that he is not holding me down or back. It'll take me longer to do some of the things I want to do because there's not another person who can go out and work full time. . . . . . BUT I will do it!
I know that sense of accomplishment will really make me feel good. I just broke down today when Felina fell asleep in my lap and Kiya was sitting across the room from me in her swing . . I broke down bawling and just told God I was sooo sorry for all of this and that I really wanted him to help me repair myself for my girls. I am willing to do ANYTHING for these girls.
Quote: Well church was nice . . then we went and had subs at a little local store and visited with another friend. Pleasant. Tonight my parents are going to watch Felina and the other Emily and I are going to go to Target. It just opened today so it'll probably be CRAZY . . but hey it'll be interesting.
I don't feel any great sense of relief today. I still have a strange peace (well strange to me) about everything . . . I know I can't change anything but myself. I do not see my marriage to Kevin ever working as anything again. But I understand now that I can grow and learn and be the best for my kids and someday another man.
I am sad for the loss . . . but I know I am better off.
Quote: I had a BLAST tonight. . . . I felt like the old Emily was coming back. I felt good. . . no more of that "seeing the OW in everyone" and worrying that I am ugly and unwanted. I just went out (only to Target mind you) and didn't care! We had a BLAST with the sunglasses. You can imagine.
I'm not having a hard time wishing he'd come back or anything . . . now though I seem to be rehashing things to figure out if he ment them or not over the past 7 months. I just try to stop myself . . and tell myself it's pointless to think about it.
It doesn't matter anymore. It still hurts that I was that lied to. Did he do it just to see his daughter get born? Who knows? I never wanted him to lie to me . . . I always wanted the truth . . . was I that unapproachable? Who knows? Not me . .
OK that's the thought process . . I'm not obsessing over it . . It's just knocking around my head a little bit.
