So . . . I don't know what to do. Holy crow I am confused. I left him that message. It basically said that he needed to figure himself out, ILH and that I am willing to take time and wait if he needs it but I don't want to be a "back-up". I also said something about moving on without him. . .
We'll see what happens. . . I hope I didn't leave the message for the wrong reasons. I don't think I'll like the answer that I get. Why is he flip-flopping. I don't lord myself over him. I don't know why he would feel like he's not good enough. I tell him all the time he is and that ILH and that our R isn't too broken to fix. Aye . . I'm still to focused on the problem. I need to spend some good fun with friends . . . hopefully Emily-2 will stop tonight . . . she's really helped get me through a lot of this crap.
The only real progress many of us ever make happens AFTER we figure out that we don't need to end one thing, end a behavior, end a mindset, end an idea, to start a new one. You can move on, just become a job having, car driving, independent mother of two beautiful girls that is starting out in life with the determination to make things as great as they possibly can. That says NOTHING about him or what he says/does today, tomorrow or 5 years from now.
Emily, each new phone call from him or cassie, or each new post on myspace does NOT mean a new decision has to be made by you. Other people's words or actions do NOT REQUIRE a response from you. You can simply not make them part of your life's direction. You can simply listen and then move on, taking NO action. That's what detachment is about in some ways.
I know Amy keeps saying you are not strong enough for certain things, but I think you are SMART enough to figure this concept out. You DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT that anything is over to accept your right to be happy and take action towards that goal. You can be happy, make a great life for you and your girls without doing a damn thing in regard to your marriage. There are PLENTY of things to do that don't involve a R, new or old, and THOSE are the things you do today, tomorrow and as long as you need to.
Quote: I know Amy keeps saying you are not strong enough for certain things, but I think you are SMART enough to figure this concept out. You DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT that anything is over to accept your right to be happy and take action towards that goal.
Ok, I finally got rid of my boss so I can finish what I wanted to say.
Emily, just because your H says he wants a divorce and says he wants to be with this OW doesn't mean it is time to give up. Even though there isn't any other woman in my situation, my H has hollared divorce to me for the last 17 months. I have not seen the first bit of paper, he has not made any calls to any lawyers, etc... I have not given up yet. As odd as it sounds, sometimes I wish there was another woman in the picture, at least then I would feel I had something to fight against. You can win if you really set your mind to it.
Your H says he likes this OW more than you, right now he thinks this way. With her, he has no responsibilities. He is being selfish. Let him be with her right now. If he came back to you then he would be thinking about her and things would be the same. Let him get her out of his system. (I know this is hard for you but you have to let go) Put all your focus and energy onto yourself and your girls. Don't let him even think you want him back home.
With the phone calls either from him, the OW or you calling them....that needs to stop. It is like you are in high school and calling around like that. Show him you are more of a woman than his (whatever you want to call her). Show him that you are mature and don't need to play games. That is all it is to him. He knows he has you so there is no challenge there. Right now with her saying she doesn't want him it is a challenge for him and he is eating it up. Make him think you are a challenge too. When he calls, don't answer. Don't call him either unless it is an emergency with one of the kids. Let him think you have moved on.
As weird as it sounds, you will not get him back until you let him go. He is playing all of this up. He tells you all this stuff because he knows it will get you riled up. Go along with him. If you do happen to be talking to him and he starts in with divorce, then change the subject or get off the phone. Very nicely say the baby is crying and you have to go or anything that doesn't pin you as being negative. Be happy and upbeat when/if you have to talk to him. He won't understand how you can be happy with him being gone.
Now, to the question if he files is it over...I said no and I really don't think it is. A divorce is just a piece of paper. You got married because you fell in love, you can fall in love again. When you fell in love the first time you were not a clingy, crying basket case were you? Ok then, why would he want to come home to one of those? You need to stand up and fight for your man. I don't mean that literally. Become that person he fell in love with in the first place.
As I said before, you have to let him go to get him back. That is what I have learned. I am letting my H go (not too far) and it seems to work a little bit. The only time he yells divorce anymore is if I get to asking questions about us. If I lay low and talk to him about the kids or something to do with the house then things are fine. He talks very nice to me and we get along. I learn from my mistakes and you can do the same thing. Write down what you do that seems to trigger him to get mad, then you know not to do that again.
I hope this helps you out some. Just remember, it is never really over!!!!
I do agree with T2SP, GH, and AmyC. You are smart enough to figure these answers out. One thing many of us cautioned you on was when your H wanted to come back was to take it slow. You said he ended it with OW. Now look what has happened? It really shows how we - the LBS - want our S to come back so bad so we can work on the M. But what we realize is that sometimes they are not ready for us. Sometimes we are not ready for them. That is why this time is so crucial to put your focus on how Emily can be happy.
You have given your H so much power over your feelings. You must detach from this. You must let go of him. He is not ready for you and based on your emotional ups/downs - you are not ready for him either. You must be able to deal with him as a happy Emily that doesn't place all her happiness on whether her H is with her or not.
You are smart, beautiful, wonderful angel. Pick yourself up, dust your knees off, and start marching - rather running towards the Emily you want to be. Do some work on yourself - for yourself. Deny outside influences power over you - just work on you.
A little something on a bookmark I have....
Let Go and Let God
As children bring their broken toys, with rears for us to mend, I brought my broken dreams to God, because He is my friend. But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone, I hung around and tried to help, with ways that were my own. At last, I snatched them back again and cried, "How can You be so slow?" "My child", He said, "what could I do? You never did let go."
Let go angel - and grab onto what you need to do for you!
Well she printed out the D papers in the first place and pushed him to file them. He never did . . kept making excuses. Now that he is "with me" and wants to be back with her . . I think she said that if he files then she will be with him. I mean just yesterday morning . . he was all ILY and you mean more to me then she ever could. Now he hates me and wants to be with her.
I guess I just don't understand how to live in this limbo. One way or another (just off the fence) and I can figure out what to do with myself. But this hell of limbo makes me crazy. I feel like I can't breathe let alone make forward motion.
I'll give myself a few days to cool off . . or try to. I won't answer the phone . . that'll be hard. Like I said earlier when my phone died the answering machine still worked and he called twice and left messages. By the second one he sounded pretty worried. . . I don't even think he knows what he is doing. I don't like feeling like I am shoving him into her arms . . . but I guess that's what needs to happen. No more answering the phone. That's what I want to do right now. . . I just want sometime to think. I wish I could make a decision that would bring him back now. . . but that's all on him. He says he feels like he rushed back into it too quick and so he is filing for the D this next week and he wants to be "alone" if he wants to be "alone" I don't understand why he is calling and talking to her for hours on end. I guess I don't have to.
He won't be calling me tonight he gave me some bull$hit story about maybe not having service where he is going . . which is what he always said when he was talking to her that night instead of me. I know this game . . and I don't want to play it anymore.
