I know and honestly Amy that scares me. So far I have come forward . . . I am growing and learning. I feel like I keep running through mud and getting slower and slower . . . .
I wish I could understand what is going to happen and why right now . . . It'll come. . .
This too shall pass. . .
I need to have a heart to heart with God . . . I need his strength because I am surely NOT strong enough for this part of the journey on my own. I am not strong enough . . . but he is He gave me a spirit that no one can break . . . and I will smile through these tears and I will Live, Laugh, and Love for MYSELF darn it.
I'm getting tense tonight. I don't know exactly why . . . I just feel very nervious. I am trying not to allow myself to be bent too far . . . while remaining here for my H. I don't want to let him flip-flop around. . . he hasn't yet . . . but he just sounded so upset. Boy did I feel bad . . I feel like I did something wrong and he doesn't want to be with me. Aye . . . This has got to get easier . . . I have to find my peaceful place again.
However he said he talked to the OW tonight because her man's phonecall really bothered him. He doesn't plan on stopping here this weekend . . he will going straight "home" (down where she lives).
I am falling hard! Why I don't know. All my progress shot in the ass. God I feel so stupid.
Why can't I turn off my heart . . I need to think with my head . . . rational people would NOT stay in this situation.
He as much as said he loves her more . . . he said . . if he was with her he would think about me A LITTLE and A LOT of her if he was with me.
WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to go try to sleep but I know I won't . . . I am soo hurt . . . I need to pray . . . but just feel like screaming. I just need to walk away from this situation. I need to make the decision to find my girls another daddy someday. I need to make the decision to make myself a better person. BUT . . . I LOVE HIM
You need to take some time to be alone. This back and forth crap is driving you batty. Stop letting your moods be based on what HE is doing at the moment.
Back up a few days...
When he was supposedly gone, it took us a few DAYS before we could even get you thinking about Emily again.
Now with one phone call, you're lost in the whirlwind again.
Stand up and take control.
If that means you tell him not to call you for the next week, 2 weeks or month SO FRIGGIN BE IT.
Your responsibility is to yourself and your daughters at this point AND THAT IS IT.
If you were stronger, I would have different advice. But right now, IMO, your focus needs to be on yourself.
Amy I want to take your advice . . can I tell you why I have a problem with it.
If I do that he will go back to her . . . I lose my H . . .
Maybe I will anyway . . . Isn't there away to do this without violently shoving him into her. He says she won't take him back etc. . . but that doesn't mean he's not lying to me. My phone battery died this morning and by the second time he called and I didn't pick up he sounded pretty worried.
Am I being too much of a crutch for him? I mean it's normal for the WAS to miss the OP right? So should I not be in the picture as well.
I've done A LOT of praying . . . and I feel like I am getting nowhere . . pray for me please. I am trying to be objective but I am clouded . . . VERY clouded.
I wish he would make up his mind. When he's gone I can move on. When he's here . . . we can move on. But this limbo where he doesn't know what he wants!!! IT HURTS
This is the same guy that called me crying because he missed me so much just a few days ago??????????? NO WAY . . I don't buy it.
I think what you need to do now is to let him know he isn't calling all the shots. If he knows you are sitting there waiting for him then he will do anything he wants. Tell him if he wants to "be alone" then that means no phone calls or anything. I have learned from experience that when I keep myself away from my H, he tends to come around more. It is so hard to do this but it really works. Give it a try, what have you got to lose?
