Thanks so much GH and Muddle . . . I guess the way I feel about it is that I do want more time to think it out. I don't want to be "leading" my H on . . . but I need to see if he's going to change and stay that way! I don't want to turn him out or tell him that I "can't" be in a R with him . . . not now that he ACTUALLY wants to be with me. I think that would be diasterous. Is it alright for me to keep putting up the R front for him . . as long as neither of us ventures into R talk? I know I sure won't . . .
Quote: I don't want to be "leading" my H on . . . but I need to see if he's going to change and stay that way! I don't want to turn him out or tell him that I "can't" be in a R with him . . . not now that he ACTUALLY wants to be with me.
You're still making this all about what HE wants. Are you willing to make choices to go after what YOU want, even if it means that he chooses to walk away? This is the point - it's a big shift in perspective for you. If you continue to try to make your decisions based on what he wants, where will you be? He wants to be with you, great. Does he know whether you want to be with him? Is that a given? Do you even know?
Basically, you're confirming that he can do whatever he wants to, whenever he wants to and you're always going to want him. In doing this, you're giving up you personal power. You're giving up on yourself. Respect yourself - respect your right to make your choices for you happiness. He certainly won't respect you unless you respect yourself first. Don't be afraid of losing the opportunity to be with him. If he truly wants to be with you, this won't change in a short period of time. Let him convince you that he does want this, and that he's willing to work for it.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Found your new thread finally! Not much for advice today, but a good friend of mine said that the healing process NEEDS to take time. That is, don't expect nor try to jump right back in. I think both of you need to work on yourselves yet. Perhaps this is something you can agree to together. That you both continue to work on yourselves - defining yourself into what you want to be while slowly working on your relationship.
Just something to think about. By both of you working on yourselves - you provide a chance for two growing people to come together and have a growing M. A person who is growing is a person that becomes happy. Happiness is acheived through growth. JMO.
Good to see some positives in your sitch. Take care of you and those little angels!
I DO WANT TO BE WITH HIM! BUT THERE ARE THINGS HE HAS TO PROVE BEFORE I RECOMMIT 100%. I don't want to tell him that because it should be something that I know and he doesn't so that he doesn't just "go through the motions" I want love to be a verb . . . . we'll see if it can be again. I have made up my mind primarily. Now I am waiting to see if he'll hold up to his . . . if he doesn't then our R will be over and I will move along. I would imagine that the same set of "rules" are in place from his end of the deal . . .
I am not trying to give up my personal choice . . I am merely trying to be flexible . . . am I bending too far??
Just wanted to add that me partially recommiting to this R . . doesn't change my plans for myself AT ALL . . . I am still getting my license (as a matter of fact he is giving me the car this weekend ) I am still looking for work (hopefully the school will be starting interviews this next week) I am still learning to love myself and keeping my happiness resting in my lap NOT his. Never again will I allow my total self-worth and happiness to rest on someone else's shoulders.
My H just called briefly. He sounded hurt and upset. I think what the OW did to him *with the OM* is REALLY hurting him. Now for some odd reason I am not offended . . but my heart breaks for him. I am unsure as to what course of action I should take here . . . if he wants to talk about it . . . do I say something or what the heck do I do? HELP . . this is weird!
You asked for me to stop by so I'll tell you exactly what I think....
First, I want to point out to you that the very fact that you are even able to feel compassion for your husband for hurting over OW is quite a testimony to just how much growing up you have already done. I am very proud of you for that.
That being said, I just wish he had the same amount of compassion for you and that it would cause him to be unable to lay this on you. Oh well. Can't win 'em all.
Emily, my advice is to do what you are comfortable doing. If you are okay listening to him talk about that, then let him. If you are not, tell him so nicely and with respect.
Bottom line, at this point, do what you are comfortable doing.
I don't want to scare people who are more experienced than me from the pie, as it were, but YOU Emily are such an incredible woman! You're doing fine on your own! That is sooo sweet that you felt pity for him.
If you mean, how to DB this? Validate and listen. Validate, listen and take care of yourself. Try to be detached - I think you already are a little.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
Quote: First, I want to point out to you that the very fact that you are even able to feel compassion for your husband for hurting over OW is quite a testimony to just how much growing up you have already done. I am very proud of you for that.
AWWW . . . I am proud that you are proud of me
I litterally wanted to cry for him . . . and just say. I understand what it's like to have someone say ILY and not mean it . . .but then it would seem that I was throwing it back in his face.
He said it "made him mad" that she thought she had to be hard and have some guy call him. Then he says . . I don't care if she's F^%king him . . . BUT the tone in his voice was saying that he most definately DID care. I wish we could have talked longer but they were only on a BR break.
I'm a little worried that this is a ploy from her to get him back. I'm a little worried that it's working. I understand that I can't stop it . . . and that I will be totally fine even if he chooses to walk away again . . BUT I hope this time I can shine not only for me but for him. If not I'll shine for myself and someone else. . .
Oh my . . . I am MAD at her for hurting him. . . she couldn't just grow up and let go . . the way I did this lasttime he left. NO she has to be a whore about it. %&%^%*DS %*^%*^S%^TS *^%(^SW ^*%S(*^%*^(S%%*(
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