Fighting the Hard Fight

[Bear]

Chrome,
Hope you're having a good weekend with your family.

There is something that I'd like to say to you. I say this as someone who is trying to help so I hope you will take it in that spirit...

Ok, you said

Remember though, when I for the first time complained about the neatness of the house a few months ago. She protested vehemently, but the next day the house was clean, she was in a good mood, and the following day we embarked on our first real extended passionate level of sexual activity in our marriage. She complains a lot about being too tired, but she asked for (and received) attention well into the night and early morning during that period.

my question for you is this: Do you really think that asserting your preference for a clean house is what changed your wife that day? Is it possible that she, in her people-pleasing "good" girl thought process, was trying to change into what she thought you wanted her to be? I think if a real change had happened that day, it would have been sustainable. It sounds to me as if she was trying to be a good wife to you by becoming the sex kitten you want her to be. If that is the case, and I think it's a good possibility because I have BTDT, then the outcome was that you were happy with her performance and she eventually ended up feeling even more distant from you because it was not a real, from her heart, emotional, sexual connection. It was a decision to be more sexual whether she felt like it or not, for you and for the M. The fact that you were happy with it reinforced that sex is the most important thing you want from her. Then came the EA, right? Or at least her knowledge of it. So, she was reaching far outside her comfort zone and you were still going outside your marriage on some level. She probably felt defeated and resentful.

I also need to point out that a big stumbling block right now could be that she feels that by becoming more sexual/affectionate with you after you admitted to an EA, may feel like reinforcing bad behavior to her. Or it may feel awkward, as if it makes her seem desperate to keep you. And she might be which would also be scary to her. That would be making her VERY vulnerable and that would be difficult to do after a breach in trust. Your need for affection and her need for self respect may be in direct opposition with each other right now.

I also want to comment on something else you said...

I see being MORE direct about my needs, setting firm, obvious boundaries for them, and being MORE confident that having them met is good for our M will lead to a better R.

I absolutely agree! This is essential. However, when you talk about having your needs met for the good of the R, she is probably thinking the same thing...about her needs. You said that she doesn't have needs like you do...I call BS! I think that much like sexual fantasies, she does not allow herself to need much either. Stuff it down or handle it herself. It's a vulnerable place to be to need someone. If she senses that things are rocky between you already, then she probably won't be able to openly express her needs. OOOOH, and another BIG turning point for me was when I finally realized it was a NEED, not a WANT. Took me a LOOOOONNGGG time to get there. Good girls don't need sex, they allow it under the right circumstances if they feel they are not being used. It's really important for you to realize that she is not keeping that distance to punish you or pay you back. It's because women learn that men will do just about anything for sex. They will lie to them, trick them, put on a really good show, but many are insincere and only want one thing. It is hard to just switch off all those years of training. It can feel as if you are disrespecting yourself or being foolish. The key is to make sex into an extension of affection rather than the prize at the end. You may feel that it is already that, but your W might not. It will take a lot of trust, boundary setting for both of you and lots of communication. She wants you to lead but not by being pouty or aggressive or crass.

I also think it is vital that you and your W spend some alone time together on a regular basis. The more she buries herself in mommy mode, the more difficult it will be to get her back into wife mode. Plan something nice for you two to spend some time together, without sex being the end goal. Make the arrangements, get the sitter...don't make her make the plans. Whether it is a walk hand in hand or a movie, dinner out or a picnic, a couple hours volunteering somewhere or a concert...the point is to let her know that you want to spend time with her and know her on a personal level, not just a sexual level. She doesn't have much in her life right now outside the kids so help her expand her world a little, but with you by her side. My XH never understood that while he went to work and worked his admittedly stressful job, he was still out of the house, among people to talk with about something other than poop and elmo. AND, he got to leave his job at the end of the day. Even when you are home and helping (which it sounds like you do) she has still been in that same place for the last couple YEARS without much of a break. KWIM? When your W feels comfortable and confident in the knowledge that you care for her outside the bedroom, it will give her that much more confidence IN the bedroom.

Ok Chrome, that's all I've got for now. You really do seem like one of the good guys and I hope you know I am only saying what MY perpective was in MY experience. I don't think you are neccessarily too needy but rather that you are struggling with how far to push it when your needs are in opposition with her needs.

Bear