Only have a few seconds before I need to run out for a bit, but wanted to say WOW! for all the great commentary. I'll do a point by point response soon, but heartfelt thanks for your interest in helping me understand my situation and especially my W's POV.
I do want to say one thing in general, and willingly admit fault here. I don't think my problem is of being too needy. Maybe I am wrong. The things that I want in a R I think are pretty standard. Reading Harley's HN/HN book I can see that at least one major R expert agrees. What I want is a significant amount of QT together, a very open amount of affection, a mutually agreed upon level of sexual activity, and an obvious level of validation. I think my problem is that I wasn't NEEDY ENOUGH in the early M. Due to my extremely low self-esteem, I didn't feel like I deserved to be treated well and thus neither insisted on it, nor acted in ways to promote it (the alpha male thing). But as I have stated, I have awakened to the fact that I am a worthwhile person, I do have many qualities about me that are attractive and I don't deserve to be in a relationship that is well below the level of nurturing that most humans could stand. So I think being more insistent on having my needs met is not the problem. But that is JMHO of course.
I see the problem as two people who had NO IDEA how to make a marriage work, and who both just assumed things would work themselves out. We both had FOO problems, low self-esteem on my part, "good girl" repression on her part that kept us from openly discussing and working on the marriage effectively. That with a dose of strong conflict avoidance fostered the mindset that led to my EA. All it took was an attractive woman showing interest in me in ways I had never seen before.
Since then, I have been learning more about who I am and how I should act in a M. But I don't think it is really a problem of over-asserting my needs at this point. The problem has been one of mixed signals that have confused my W and not allowed her to build the trust in me needed to help break down her repression. I haven't talked much about the EA obviously, and I don't really want to here. I'll reserve that for my W, my C, and my MC so that I can be held responsible for my actions. But let me just say that my EA was not some giant orgy of fun going on behind the scenes while I avoided my W in every possible way. My EA was a rocky roller coaster that frankly flew off the tracks several times. So while I was trying to do many things right with my W, the ups and downs in the EA came through so strongly that frankly my W probably didn't know who was going to walk in the door in the evenings. So not only was I violating trust directly with the EA, I was also not presenting a consistent leading image to my W as to what sort of R I wanted us to have, which also damaged her trust of me.
So frankly I don't see my neediness as the main problem. I may be wrong and would definitely be willing to admit it if I am and change my actions accordingly. Remember though, when I for the first time complained about the neatness of the house a few months ago. She protested vehemently, but the next day the house was clean, she was in a good mood, and the following day we embarked on our first real extended passionate level of sexual activity in our marriage. She complains a lot about being too tired, but she asked for (and received) attention well into the night and early morning during that period. Again, maybe I am wrong, but I see being MORE direct about my needs, setting firm, obvious boundaries for them, and being MORE confident that having them met is good for our M will lead to a better R. In the past I have either sent no signals or very confused ones about my needs and that has led to the problems we have been experiencing.
Need I say it again ... JMHO
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
