I agree that Chrome is very needy. I think he knows that all too well. But I differ with you in your implication that Mrs. Chrome is not. I believe she is every bit as needy as Chrome but expresses it in a different way. She has not detached from her family so her methods appear total different. Chrome has long ago realized that he needed to stand on his own two feet, that he could never get support from his parent. Mrs Chrome has never left her parents, and so has never fully committed to Chrome. She commit only to the extent her bond with her parents will allow. So I think she is just as needy and every bit as guilty for creating this situation.
Chrome,
Since we are discussing FOO, do you see that you two MUST have the same level of neediness? If you dated a girl who did not have such a need to mother, your neediness would have been smothering to her and you two would have broken up. But to your wife, your needs were just the right mix for her to feel comfortable. She was also just right for you. I suspect she portrayed a sense of security and stability to you. She had a warm, supportive family that called out to you. What you did not see was all the baggage and strings that created the appearance of her family being warm, supportive and inviting. Of course, she would never show that to you, just as you never told her about your abusive family, at least not early in the relationship.
Lou,
As for what Chrome should do with this knowledge… well I don’t have any magic answers. It all depends on how much of this FOO is affecting the relationship. That is an unknown and can only be discovered over time and through new problems in the relationship. This is why Schnarch calls marriage a growth building machine. Not recognizing how your FOO affects your actions keeps you from realizing you should even work on a particular issue.
Fran (Haphazard) just realized her on her thread that her H acts in an abusive and intimidating manner, and that similar experience in her FOO has prevented her from doing anything about this, much less realizing what a problem it is and how she has contributed to it. Doesn’t her new understanding now give her the opportunity to resolve this?
