Like Corri says Wow! Incredibly accurate and revealing post.
All through Chrome’s sitch I have had massive empathy for Mrs Chrome. And guess what I have been doing exactly what she does, and exactly what I do with my H, and making MYSELF responsible for Chrome’s happiness by not telling him so.
Whether it is nature or nurture or a combination of the two, women grow up believing that they are responsible for the happiness of others. When they behave in a way counter to this then they are disapproved of. Maybe it is the nature of motherhood. It is the ultimate selflessness, so the survival of the species has engineered women who put their own needs aside to please others, it is common not just in humans for mothers to go without food so their offspring can eat.
A woman brought up in a household where those values have been further conditioned will initially find fulfilment in a “needy” mate. Chrome hate to hit you between the eyes with this one but you are needy. You hand responsibility for your happiness to your W. At first she felt honoured that you would do such a thing, but in your particular case (nasty FOO situation etc) it is something of a bottomless pit. Add into the mix toddler twins and a baby and where does that leave her?
The thing with needy children is that with time, effort, patience etc they grow less needy. And at some point the proud mother can look upon her grown child and think – wow! One of the things I do to help my children grow is stop responding to certain needs. When I realise they have got to a point where they should be able to manage something for themselves I put them in a position where they have to, I ignore their pleas and sobs and I say (kindly) it’s time you learnt to do it yourself, and they do, and their self-esteem grows with each new thing they learn to do for themselves.
My feeling is that Mrs Chrome’s is doing this to you. She is unresponsive to your needs because she is trying to help you to grow.
Chrome – you are a grown up man. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you look out at a beautiful spring day and all is right with the world you feel happy. If there is sudden shower you don’t feel pissed off at the weather for ruining your day. Think of your wife as a beautiful spring day. When you first got together she made you happy just be being who she is, not by anything she did. You then came to rely on the idea that she was the source of your happiness and had control of your happiness. She has no such control.
It used to be the case that by being her she made you happy. Now she hears you cry “I’m not happy – do something” and she doesn’t know what to do, she never did. She cannot do, she can only be.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
