Your main point seemed to be that it was FOO issues that contributed most to the conditions leading up to my mental state being open to an EA. And although I was working on a variety of things in my M and my self-esteem, it was the avoidance in dealing with the deep FOO issues that caused me to effectively not change my internal propensity to create a situation in which the EA would persist and another EA develop. And you also see that if I do not deal with those issues, another EA remains a future possibility. That basically no matter what I do in my M, my FOO is a "monkey on my back" that will constantly sabotage my efforts until I consciously deal with it. Is that close?
I think this is a pretty good summation of what I think, along with a similar situation for your wife. As I stated some time back, I do not really see the EA as much of an issue. Sure, your W is bothered in a major way, but from the FOO perspective, I see an EA as only a higher order action on the scale of “acting out” behavior particular to you. In other words, I think you have been doing the same basic actions all along in your marriage, and even before you got married. Those actions started out small and grew larger and more emboldened over the years as you made a louder and louder cry for attention. So I see the EA as only a matter of degree.
I am intrigued by this idea, because I did think I was dealing with my FOO issues, but perhaps it was only tangentially.
I recall when you were talking some about your FOO, and just when I thought you were beginning to get into it, the subject sort of died out and switched to something else. I agree with others that too much analysis can be harmful, that some stones are best left uncovered, but as we have seen on Corri’s thread, the effects of FOO can reach into places you never suspect. If you and your wife can get along fine without further analysis, then great. If not, perhaps more work is needed until a state of equilibrium is reached. But if one person again wants to grow, more FOO work could be needed in order to keep up with the spouse’s growth.
I can see how my efforts at improving my self-esteem could have been focused on the here and now and not with how my self-esteem got so low in the first place. I guess you might say I just put new wooden boards over the old rotting ones instead of trying to figure out why the old boards were rotting.
I would think this is true since you had another EA since that time you were discussing FOO. Also, from what I experienced, digging up FOO is not easy and very humbling. The hardest work for me was taking the hit to my ego and self esteem as one layer after another was peeled back. A person can only take so much at a time before s/he needs to rest, digest, re-energize before taking on some more. The whole process was new for me and I just wanted it over. I mostly learned through hard experience as I went from one hollow relationship to another. Maybe you only reached a preliminary stage, which was new for you and thought the work had been completed, not knowing there could be unknown multiple stages yet in store for you. Don’t let this intimidate you, it is nothing more that the process Corri nicely illustrated for us.
The important point I want to make for you is that you need to be aware of this overall dynamic and have at least a general idea of the overall level of dysfunction you are dealing with. What ever sized chunks you want to take on at a time is your business, but try to get an idea of what you don’t know (which I think you have). Then understand that whenever you come under stress in your marriage, it could be due to the next FOO chunk calling out for resolution. You know inside that there is something nagging at you or your wife, so keep a perspective on this rather than jumping to a fatalistic mindset, throwing out all hope, and running to another EA. So on to the big picture.
My question to you would be specifically how could my FOO connect with my internal failings re: the propensity to create EA situations?
How could it not? Remember Corri’s history? She laid out a very clear example of generational FOO, where low self esteem, disrespect, anger and resentment prompts a parent to “abuse” their children so that the kids end up mimicking the same behavior and being attracted to the same abusers. It is not usually intentional because all the rationalizations and denials block the truth (remember Corri’s mom?)
You can see how the abuse you suffered from your dad affected your self esteem. You understand how it made you focus on your misery, mostly because you had no other choice. You could not fight back against the abuse, he would not let you run from it, and you certainly could not express it. There wasn’t much left for you to do other than internalize it and commiserate with it. I suspect that is when listening to sad songs struck a cord with you. The music became a safe haven, allowed you to retreat into a fantasy world in which you dreamed of the kind of family and love you would have when you grew older (yeah, I had the same fantasies). There was a feeling of peace in the music that you carry over to this day. But it is just an escape.
That state of low self esteem and almost frantic longing to be loved had a direct effect on the kind of woman who you would attract and who you are attracted to. Take a good hard look at kids who come from families with lots of fighting. One type is the kid who is lifeless, blank faced, sullen, does not laugh or smile much, and feels very uncomfortable with spontaneous, lively, outgoing activities. There is a great sense of repressed shame from covering up the fighting at home. Everyone else seems so happy and carefree, but this child can only watch from the outside. He wants to join the others, but that means taking on too much attention from the group. At home s/he is used to disappearing into the woodwork, becoming inconspicuous in hopes of not doing anything that could trigger another fight. (I was like this as a kid. When I look at old pictures or movies, the expression on the face of myself and my brothers is so clear now.)
Now contrast this with the outgoing, life-of-the-party type, the bouncing head cheerleader or Mr. Popularity. No matter how attracted I might be to a girl like this, I always felt she was way out of my reach. If I ever did speak to someone like this I would be so uncomfortable and nervous, the experience would leave me drained. I also found that these types of girls wanted to be entertained, to have someone to make them laugh and I just could not come up with the lines or the smiles to ever pull it off.
I found better rapport with girls who wanted to talk to me, who seemed interested in a two way conversation, who were intrigued by my shyness and found it a challenge to pull me out of my shell. This of course was appealing to their mothering needs, but it was also appealing to my need to be wanted. So as an introvert, I ended up being attracted to extroverts. I also ended up with a wife who saw in me a person easy to control, since I was so quiet. To her and others I seemed so agreeable, so easy to get along with. But I was really not used to exerting myself and putting my needs first. To do so meant too much attention placed on me, and that was uncomfortable.
Is this helping you to understand how your FOO sets up the basic preferences for attraction in a mate? Sure, biology is mixed in there too, but FOO is so important. Let me know if anything does not make sense.
I can say that just being aware of your FOO is enough to prevent it from kicking your legs out from under you. That is where a lot of Blackfoot’s approach comes into play. But if you don’t know what is wrong, how are you to know what needs to be fixed? Like you tried already, fixing one thing may not be what is needed to prevent an EA (or some other cry for help) if that vulnerability comes from something else. But I think targeting your FOO is the starting point.
