Fighting the Hard Fight

[Bear]

Hey Chrome,
I've been thinking about your sitch and some of the statements you have made. I've also been trying to think back in my own M to try to get back into that mindset so I could give some insight into what your wife may be feeling or thinking. I can only relate my experiences. Your W may be completely different.

I've been reading Corri's thread. Her experience is absolutely heartbreaking. It brings back some stuff for me as well. What Corri said about respect being at the core of everything is so true.

I know that I grew up being taught to be "respectable". At the same time I was being taught, through my parents actions, that *I* was not ok just as I was. I was constantly having to recreate myself according to the mood in the house. I was the fixer and peace keeper. By all appearances, we were the perfect family. There was no alcoholism or physical abuse. But there was also no emotional support, affection and no one teaching me how to have and enforce boundaries. No one who was there for me no matter what. While my older brother acted out, I was told by my parents that they knew I'd be ok so they had to deal with bigger issues than whatever mine were. My younger brother was quite a bit younger so again, more pressing issues to deal with than mine.

I learned to stuff my emotions because it was not worth either the argument about why I shouldn't be feeling that way, or the rejection for sharing that I was feeling that way (angry was a big no-no, as well as any other "negative" emotion like sadness or disappointment). I learned to turn the other cheek until I was completely twisted around. I chose my battles and fewer and fewer became worth the fight because, well, there were bigger issues than mine. What I took away from that was that I was not worth it.

All this led me to be with a man who laid all the responsibility for his happiness in my lap (sometimes, literally!). I knew that if I acted a certain way or did certain things or looked a certain way, he would be happy. In the beginning, I liked that. It felt like we were connected in a big he's-my-soulmate kind of way. But eventually, it became an enormous burden to try to keep him happy. I took on the role because it felt familiar. The payoff was that when he was happy, he was the most affectionate, loving, supportive person I had ever known. When he was not happy, he was abusive, physically, verbally, financially, emotionally. We found ourselves in an impossible dynamic. If I did all the right things, he was happy and things were good between us. I was supposed to forget about the abuse and just be in the now. When I couldn't do that at times, he would actually turn things around enough to say that *I* was the abusive one for holding the past against him.

So, he would break the trust, I would feel scared or sad, he would get angry, I would step back further, he would not understand why I was pulling away from him and get defensive. Then he would pull away and be sad. I would see that the anger had passed and try to connect. The cycle starts again. Also, many times, he would be stuck in his defensive pouting mode and would reject any attempt I would make to try to reconnect. Didn't make me want to try again any time soon.

So, how does this relate to the Chromes? From what you have said of your W, keeping up appearances and showing no bad emotions were a part of her upbringing. If she is doing what I did...acting a certain way because it's respectable, turning the other cheek because it's the right thing to do etc. she may have a lot of resentment bubbling inside her. You said she didn't react to news of the EA? I think that's a good indication. My guess is that her struggle is this: is changing into a sex kitten the only way to keep you? I guarantee she resents that because she wants to be so much more than that to you. She may resent having one more person that needs so much from her (being a SAHM with little one's pulling at her all day long). Are you making her responsible for your happiness? She may be feeling a lot of bottled up emotion like fear of losing you, but can't show it because she feels betrayed. If she was never taught how to express emotions, sexiness and desire are going to be just as difficult for her to let out unless there is an air of absolute trust and respect between you two outside the bedroom as well as in it. Trust as in no more EA's and respect as in respect her for who she is and what she does instead of being disappointed with what she is not providing you right now. You are in this for the long haul. I believe that. You have time to work this out. The problem is not the lack of sex, that is the symptom. Even if she were to "come around" and you two had a night, week, month of rock-your-world sex, the problem would still be there, the emotional connection will fade for her and the sex life will suffer. Let me ask you this...How shocked would you be to find out that while you were at work, your wife was having sex with a stranger? In some ways, for some reason, you feel like a stranger to your W so she is not able to connect in the way you would like her to...and very probably in the way she wants to connect with you.

Just a thought, but how about approaching the affection thing on the level she is on right now. She is probably in mommy mode all the time. For me it was a real struggle to get out of mommy mode for any length of time because if I was not thinking about the kids, I was feeling guilty for not thinking about them. How about just talking to her about what she wants to portray to the kids? Does she want them to see a mom and dad who don't touch each other? Maybe she really does want to break the cycle and show affection but is afraid of not being able to set and keep boundaries when she needs to so she just doesn't do anything.

Hope this made some sense. As I said, just my perspective.

Bear