Fighting the Hard Fight

[Bear]

Hi Chrome,

So how are you doing on the AD's?

you can't logical R's, feelings, and emotions

Yep, but I think you can decide how much importance to assign them. It may feel huge, but sometimes if you can take a step back you realize that it's not bad as it may seem. What you focus on expands.

I think "man I am so happy that my W did X or Y", but that is followed by the thought "but that is still so far from where I want to be

That one kind of hurt to read. I know my XH used to think this way too. Even though he didn't say it out loud, I could read his disappointment. The result was that I felt that I could never be enough or do enough for him and I resented having to try so hard and then watch him still be disappointed that I wasn't his idea of perfection. He certainly wasn't mine either, but I did try to get to a point where I could appreciate what he WAS doing.


It is encouraging though that there are people who have been able to defeat that mentality

It's still a struggle at times. Especially now that I am in a new relationship. I will say though, that it just kind of clicked for me. After many years of resentment and feeling inadequate.

interested in hearing more about this change

I don't mind talking more about this. I'll have to give it some thought. I know that, ironically, it seemed that I had to get to the point where ML meant less for me in order for it to mean more for him. As a woman raised to be a "good" girl, much of my life was spent feeling like sex was something that men wanted to take from me, or were waiting for me to give them. We never talked about sex when I was growing up except the idea was very clear that good girls don't. There were no PDA's between my parents. I was also raised to believe that to want or need anything for yourself makes you selfish. So, when I got to college and met a man I thought I loved, it was all about pleasing him. I didn't really allow myself to have fantasies. I could never come up with one when asked. I was too worried about what people might think of me. Got to keep up the appearance of good girl. When we broke up, which was horrible btw...I was in the hospital with pneumonia and I called the frat house where he was president. They told me he was out with Bear. I said "This is Bear, where is he?" Turned out he was cheating on me and was with the OW. Ouch. I was sent home on bedrest for a couple months and had a lot of time to think. I remembered a convo we had had a couple weeks earlier where he asked me if I was happy and if I wanted to break up. I said that I was happy but whatever he wanted to do. I was THINKING no, I don't want to break up but I also don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I shouldn't have to make him love me. But I realized later that what it came across as was that I didn't give a crap. I was not being honest because I was keeping up appearances.

So fast forward to married life and again, it felt many times like a performance. My needs were not being met, but I was people pleasing in a big way. I started to really resent that, and him. Now, keep in mind that he became abusive so that's a different sitch. We would go months without. Even when things were going well, I knew it wouldn't last for long so it was hard to invest 100% in it. There were times when we would argue and he would sleep on the couch (his choice)and I would go to him the next day and say that he was welcome to come back whenever he was ready. He would get angry at that because what he wanted me to say was that I WANTED him to come back. It felt very controlling. I thought alot about that earlier convo with XBF from college and realized I was not investing myself. I also heard Dr. Phil talk about a man's sexual needs in terms of if your H woke in the middle of the night and needed a glass of water, wouldn't you get him a drink? Why would you deny such a basic need as sex? I also had a back injury at this time and was in a lot of pain and XH would give me back rubs. We had gone down the road of "Why can't a back rub be JUST a backrub?" but when I was in a lot of pain, it was just a back rub even though I knew he wanted more.

Anyway, all those things together kind of made me think. I am expecting him to give me what I need and not providing him with what he needs. Someone needs to take the first step. I thought about the massages and wondered why massaging one certain part of him would be different than any other part. So that's where I started. I told him I wanted him to come back to the bedroom and I thanked him for all the massages he had given me and told him I would like to return the favor if he was open to it. I started on his back and ended on his front.

Now my thought process in all of this was that I want to be honest in my emotions. There was still a lot of anger and resentment but I had to let that go and assign more importance to the fact that I loved him and wanted him to be happy. This was not a performance for his sake. This was a loving act between a husband and a wife. So that's kind of how my thought process started to change. It took baby steps and lots of massages. But I realized during this process that his enjoyment was working to get me going too. I always went into it by saying that it was just going to be a massage, front and back, but many times I got so into it that it turned into more. Trust was key here because if I didn't want to do more than the massage for whatever reason, he didn't resent it or act like he was disappointed. KWIM? What I was willing to give was good enough and he was happy with it.

So, that's some of it. It's difficult to think about some of this stuff because at times, our relationship was really great. We were the couple that everyone wanted to be. But, alcohol was a greater lover than I was I guess. At least I have realized that it was his choice and his loss. Most of the time I believe that.

Ok, gotta go put together a treasure hunt for my daughters pirate party tomorrow! Have a good weekend.

Bear

ps. The point here Chrome, is not to get your wife to change like I did. Reverse the roles and figure out what you aren't providing for her (what she really needs, not what you think her needs are) and try to start there. Think of your marriage as a place to give, not take, most of the time. You may be surprised at what happens. Either that or present her with the massage idea.