Continuing to see my C, taking AD's, and starting appts. with an MC.
I do know that finding that core of happiness has a lot to do with my self-esteem. So for now, I will just work to build that back up.
"When you want the sex kitten, what is the feeling you are trying to get from that? "
An interesting question. I guess it is that when I feel desire for my W, it is accompanied by a feeling of closeness, of emotional connection. I guess I just project that feeling onto my W, in the sense that if she is really into sex, then she must desire me, and hence she feels connected to me, which is what I ultimately want.
"What if you turned it around and kept the thought that you will be happy and looked for signs that prove that? The smallest gesture will then become hope for what could be instead of proof of what it isn't. Just a thought."
Point well taken. What gets me are those silent moments when I think too much. I think "man I am so happy that my W did X or Y", but that is followed by the thought "but that is still so far from where I want to be, can I get there?"
"That is confusing in itself but that's a story for another thread."
Feel free to share.
"scientific and logical, not the qualities to figure out relationships with!"
Like BF (and my C) used to tell me over and over again, you can't logical R's, feelings, and emotions. They are just the way they are. Sometimes I see that so clearly, like when I get angry over some rejection that my W has done, i.e. "how could she do that to me?". Then I start thinking of it as a "test" of my strength, and suddenly it isn't a problem anymore.
"I was always a "good" girl so good girls don't initiate, they just get swept away. To initiate and to want sex meant that you were slutty."
That is something I fear my W has too. It is encouraging though that there are people who have been able to defeat that mentality.
"I wish I could explain better the thought process that got me there but mostly it was a decision to act loving toward my husband. I realized that the closeness I craved came after the ML sometimes instead of before, and that it was ok that his needs were first on the list."
I'll bet I'm not the only one on this board who would be interested in hearing more about this change. If you feel like talking more about it, please do.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
