Please don't misunderstand the purpose of what I said earlier. That is merely my angst speaking, it has nothing to do with fault. If I didn't express my doubts, my fears and thoughts about the future, it would not be honest. And despite my mistakes in the past, I am trying to be honest. I do not categorize those doubts as shortcomings in my W, not at all. It is shortcomings on our R. BF taught me a lot about how I contributed to the lack of intimacy in our M prior to the EA. I am making an effort to correct those mistakes. I do see now though that everything I did was tainted because I did have a foot out of the door so to speak. My heart wasn't 100% where it should be. And you are right, without a 100% effort, the chances of turning the M around are severely diminished. What still plagues me is the fact that nothing I can do can change her. Even if I were to magically turn into the perfect H, she may never be able to get past the issues she has the prevent her from establishing intimacy. I am hopeful that the true cause has been me all along, in being a beta (sometimes omega) male prior to the EA, and then the EA itself. That if those flaws inside me can be corrected, she will finally feel confident enough to open her doors. I saw signs throughout this past year, and I have seen signs over the past couple of weeks as well. She asked me to do something the other night that I never thought she would even allow me to try a few months ago (yes, I validated her HEAVILY for it, hopefully not TOO heavily).
I do want to say that you saying I am not invested AT ALL in this M is a bit of hyperbole. I could list off all the things that I have done, from the affection I show her whether or not she reciprocates, to the gifts I give her, to the attempts I make to spend time with her (most of which she rebuffs in favor of the kids), to the things I do for her and my family, etc. But I think the point you are trying to make is well made. I have not been 100% invested, and that is what I should have been. And that is what I am trying to do now.
Anyway, the main point is that I was not trying to list my W's shortcomings, rather just expressing the angst that is in my soul. I am hopeful that if we can get past the fallout from the EA, that me being 100% invested, AND being knowledgeable about the kind of person I need to be to make this M work well, that we will have a M that will be more than just satisfying for the rest of our lives. But at this point, a little angst is not uncalled for, I just don't need to let it drive my behavior.
Thank you for your words and your perspective.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
