I see your point. I am just looking at it from the perspective of my own personality. I sort of think that the more details I knew the harder time I would have letting go. Then again, it has never happened to me so I've never had to find out what I would need or want.
For Chrome, the reason I said to follow your C's lead is because YOUR personality already includes such self flagellation that if you told your S before you were armed with real understanding you might wind up taking away her need to be angry, to mourn, to do what she needs to do to get over things - when you beat yourself over the head how can she? And she may need to do some of that. So, I'm just saying, use your C's guidance on this so that when you deal with the issue with your W you know the difference between really being sorry and sympathy seeking from her. So that you know what you want/need from the marriage, what is non-negotiable so you don't play two sides to try to get what you need anymore. Chrome - you can do this.
