Hi Chrome, the name comes, in part, from an old nickname Pooh Bear, part growly bear (dealing with a lot of anger at the moment), bearing the load (I'm a single mom), "bear"ing my soul (in this anonymous forum)...you get the idea.
I pulled myself out of it once, I can do it again.
ABSOLUTELY! What work are you doing toward that right now?
I never have really taken that soul-searching journey to find my own core of happiness apart from anyone else. Maybe it is time, but how does one truly go about it?
Weeeelllll, I wish I had the magic answer for you, but just knowing it's a journey you need to take is a good first step. For me, I had to take myself out of a situation where I was expected to change who I was based on who he was that day. Talk about unhealthy! I had reached a point that I didn't even know what my true feelings were anymore. I was one of those people who cried while I still had a smile on my face. So, getting out of that situation and actually feeling my feelings again made me confront some entirely different issues. My FOO issues are that although my dad was brilliant, and an excellent provider, he was kind of a control freak and not very affectionate. I craved HIS attention but was looking for it from other people. I wanted to feel loved for who I was. I wanted that platonic, fatherly love and attention and support. When I first got involved with my XH, that's what hooked me. He filled that void. Once it became a sexual relationship, I felt like a big part of that went away and all he wanted was the sex. No more affectionate touch or flowers or romance. I felt like I had to earn love, mostly by having sex. He felt like he had to earn sex and he resented it. I'm getting off track here but the point is, in order to find yourself, listen to yourself. REALLY listen. When you want the sex kitten, what is the feeling you are trying to get from that?
self-fulfilling prophecy
It certainly is. When you have that sort of idea in your mind, you spend all your time looking for signs that it's true. At least in my experience. What if you turned it around and kept the thought that you will be happy and looked for signs that prove that? The smallest gesture will then become hope for what could be instead of proof of what it isn't. Just a thought.
I am certainly happy that you were able to find your sense of self. I hope you are doing well in your current situation
Thank you. It has been a rough road and I feel like I am still just starting to get to know me. I moved out of state, am raising my daughter on my own, went back to school, and have been hibernating for the last year. I have recently started seeing someone though and luckily he's willing to take things slow. That is confusing in itself but that's a story for another thread.
someone like me who thinks way too much about things
My brother and I call this analysis paralysis. He recently went through a really rough time. It started out being about a woman but has now turned into a deconstruction of his whole life. He's too smart for his own good sometimes. Very scientific and logical, not the qualities to figure out relationships with! Like me, he had to reach the bottom and learn how to feel his own feelings again.
she just isn't the touchy-feely, romantic, sweet-talking, sex kitten that I want (boy am I selfish, eh?).
Not selfish Chrome. You want what you want. My hope would be that your wife's incentive to change would be to make a happy marriage, but that will take a lot of communication and effort on both your parts. In my experience with XH, I reached a point that I was able to see and feel the closeness that came after ML. I too was one who needed to "feel" it before I could get into it. And often times, I didn't feel it (life, stress, sick parents, back injury etc. all took thier toll). But I was able to eventually get past that and usually just starting the process was enough to get me going. It was rough getting to that place mentally though. I was always a "good" girl so good girls don't initiate, they just get swept away. To initiate and to want sex meant that you were slutty. I wish I could explain better the thought process that got me there but mostly it was a decision to act loving toward my husband. I realized that the closeness I craved came after the ML sometimes instead of before, and that it was ok that his needs were first on the list.
Thanks so much Bear. I hope you decide to stay on board here.
Thanks Chrome. I'll be around. I'm not technically in a SSM anymore but I feel like I have some things in common with a few people here. Plus, you all are so nice!
Time for sleep!
Bear
The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
--Marcel Proust
