Came by for a second and saw your post. Thank you for your words.
You are right, that statement I made about my kids was pure sh!t. I love my children dearly. No matter what happens between my W and me, whether we D, stay together but lose love for each other, or end up in a happy marriage, I will always want to be a good father to my kids. I'm not sure I am a good father, but I am doing my best, and always try to improve (reading a lot about positive parenting recently). That statement was motivated by me being in an extreme depressive state. If we did D, I probably wouldn't get to see my kids much, but I would make the best of it.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
First, thanks for all your comments Lou. It looks like you are going through a real soul searching period too. I wish you the best. Maybe when I get my head on straight I can help or at least talk about it with you. Sometimes nuggets of wisdom appear that way.
I am doing ok, but still fighting a war inside myself. I did see my C last week and he had some helpful comments. I have been struggling with how "unfair" my feelings are about the whole situation, and he responded by saying that fairness is rarely a factor when it comes to feelings. I have also been struggling about how to give up something that is so deeply entrenched in my heart. He said that something doesn't have to be bad for us to choose to give it up. And sometimes we have to give things up for a time so that we can focus on what we need to do now.
In my mind, I have been exploring the "entitlement" issue. As NOPkins says, A's are brought about by feelings of entitlement. So I am going through and cataloging what my feelings of entitlement are, and trying to reframe them in a way that they won't cause me to trip up again. And I have gotten myself in the mindset that at least for now, I am entitled to nothing.
I am going to go see the MC by myself for the first appt., so that maybe she can give me some pointers/tasks to help me further improve my mindset. Then once the nursing is done, we'll go together and hopefully begin finally connecting with each other, something that has been delayed by life and poor choices for far too long.
I don't know if I am "back" or not. But I will probably start posting more. I see there are a few newcomers, I wish you all well.
Cobra, if you want to start talking FOO, I am all ears. I don't know if there is something you asked me that I never answered, or maybe there is something I can read that we can talk about, whatever you want.
Peace,
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Hi Chrome... I am sorry to read about your struggles and how the boundary/sense-of self issues have brought more pain ( for yourself and others). It's a reminder of how vulnerable we all are here on this board. I am rooting for you to have the strength to make healthy decisions...it begins a day at a time.
All the best,
IHJ... who is no stranger to depression, compulsivity, self doubt, etc.
Hi Chrome, I have been lurking and reading this board for awhile, and I just wanted to say that you have a lot of people supporting your efforts right now. I know that I got a lot out of the self-esteem stuff you were posting also.
I too have struggled with self-esteem issues and depression, as well as seeking my happiness through what someone else thought of me. At first it was my H (exH now) and then when that wasn't happening, it opened the door to wanting it from someone outside my marriage. I did not cross that line but I did put a toe over it. Isn't it a terrible struggle that the thing that can make you feel so loved and alive is also the thing that can make you hate yourself?
I came to the point that I had to choose to live by MY standards. My standards dictated that I not seek that kind of validation from anyone other than myself. Ultimately, it meant the end of my marriage but I must point out that my XH was abusive and alcoholic. REALLY easy to justify seeking comfort elsewhere in that situation. You have waaaay more to work with, and waaaaay more worth saving than I did.
Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say that coming clean here must have been very scary. I'm sure you go into something like that thinking that you must be prepared to give up all the friendship and support that you had here. But Chrome, look around. Everyone is still here for you. The mistakes we ALL make are just that...mistakes. They are not WHO we are. They are just things we did wrong (sometimes for what seems like all the right reasons). Your validation and self esteem will come from realizing what your values are and holding your head high when you are living by them.
Best of luck to you!
Bear
The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
--Marcel Proust
Bear: that was a great post! Welcome to the board.
Chrome: you sound like you are making progress, I'm rooting for you. You are an intelligent guy, you have had some tough breaks in your life but you do have the wherewithal to rise above it and come up smiling. It is that sense of entitlement that holds us back, we are too busy saying "it's not fair!" to actually appreciate what we DO have. I think about this alot, when I start to count my blessings and look at what I have, like a great job, fantastic kids, lovely home, wonderful friends, loving family, food on the table etc it makes me wonder what the heck I'm whining about. I'm looking forward to hearing more from you again - been missing you
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
You said (I am going to go see the MC by myself for the first appt., so that maybe she can give me some pointers/tasks to help me further improve my mindset. Then once the nursing is done, we'll go together and hopefully begin finally connecting with each other, something that has been delayed by life and poor choices for far too long.)
So...when are you going to come clean with your W? Or have you done so already? I'm glad you two are going to go to MC, but "IF" you intend to seek continued MC without telling her what has been going on then you are allowing your W to live a false life without her knowledge...and that wouldn't be fair to her. Or do you intend to come clean with her during the 1st session the two of you attend? If so, I can understand doing that...just checking.
I just know that the longer you go without coming clean (if you haven't already) the easier it is to rationalize....not doing it. The fact is....it will still need to be done.
hey, If it helps we all FAILED relationships 101 - but we took the time to go back and re learn what we missed
and it all begins with Family of Origin issues..they were not all bad - we just made some conclusions based on our experience that need to be revisited
Good on you - hang in there for you and your kids
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; (Life, the Universe, other people)
courage to change the things I can;(me, my attitudes, my behaviour, my reactions)
and wisdom to know the difference
