Quote: But I stepped over a larger-deeper issue, rationalized it away.
What are you talking about here?
Chrome, I'm gonna be honest with you. (hee hee, I can hear you saying Nooooooooooo)
I see you being almost brutal on yourself, as far as your personality goes..."I don't deserve this" or "I'm not worthy of that". BUT. You stop short of really getting down to the nitty gritty and describing what your true failings are, wrt to this latest development. It's almost as if you sidestep naming them directly, so that you don't have to own up to them and the subsequent responsibility of doing something about them. Instead, you keep it to a "I'm Scum" level which is SO insurmountable that you feel stuck.
I see your biggest problem as one of: not respecting the sanctity of your marriage.
Although I never had an A, I was guilty of this same thing also. I took it for granted, did not try to meet H's needs, did all sorts of things that helped set the environment for him to 'get religion' and leave me in the dust.
I abhor what you have done to your M--and yourself--but I'm inviting you to put it into perspective and really, honestly see it for what it is. It isn't "Chrome is the biggest loser on the face of the earth", it is "Chrome has not respected his M" and "Chrome has not gotten a handle on his conflict avoidance". Get HONEST, man, it will help your progress.
I remember there was a time, and I'm sure everyone else could chime in with their own stories, where I was so desperate for attention from the opposite sex that I looked for it everywhere. From strangers, from BIL (who offered me 200 dollars to let him watch me take a bath, the scumbucket), etc etc. By the grace of God, I was able to hold it together and keep my mind focused on the task at hand. That, and the fact that I'm a sahm and do not come in contact with many men and do not have opportunities (time away from home) in which to act on my impulses. My point is that we have all felt the Rock Bottom feeling before. It's awful. These feelings, in and of themselves, do not make you terrible or an addict. What you do from there is another story, as you know. If you look deep inside yourself and determine that you'd rather go outside your M so that you don't have to work past your deeply entrenched feelings of conflict avoidance, then you know that you need to go to the C and address the conflict problems--not the Chrome is pondscum problem. See what I mean about getting honest? Being able to positively identify what you have GOT to work past will enable you to finally move forward.
