I am in no way mad or upset with you. I know I tend to be too harsh at times in my posts. That is some of my own stuff coming out. I was reacting in part to my frustrations when you kept berating yourself.
I know I throw a lot of stuff out. Some of it is on target and some of it isn’t. I never know for sure, it all has some degree of assumption in it. Go back and read some old posts where I said something to make you mad and then read another where I was totally off base. Take the ones that make you mad and separate them into two groups – one for the comments you understand, that makes sense, where you can see your issues, even though you may not want to admit or confront them. Make another group for the ones that make you mad but you have no idea why. Focus on this second group because the anger and frustration you feel is coming from that little voice in your head. Try to listen and figure out what it is saying and where it is coming from.
Being true to yourself is THE hardest thing we need to do. Once you can accept yourself, then you can stop the games and begin to move forward. It is scary and it hurts. But not doing so is worse. You CAN do it. You have much more in you that you give yourself credit. And if you don’t think you deserve your own dedication and commitment, then maybe thinking of your family can help.
At this time, focus on you and your issues. Just let the marriage coast along, try to keep the peace, address your father's health problems, etc. Continue to do what you can to improve relations with your wife. Do not turn down any sex. Just don't push the envelope. I think you really need to stabilize yourself first before you can really start moving the marriage along. It may actually be good to focus on you to let your wife feel a little distance and allow her the opportunity to step up to the plate on her own. She has as much growing to do as you. Hang in there.
