Chrome, sorry about all your troubles. Take small steps. We all tend to believe what we hear and see over and over again so how about taking the maudlin, self-loathing things you can control away? Ditch the Blue October sig, listen to soul affirming music, etc. I am like you emotionally in many ways. I used to think listening to sad, forelorn music was cathartic but I found I was simply soaking in it and it reinforced my negativity. You have made some pretty bad choices, it is true. That does not make you a bad person. While not everyone makes the same bad choices, everyone makes their own bad choices. Stop wallowing in your bad choices and misery. Use the lessons of the self-esteem coach. You know they work. We've seen it in your demeanor over the last year or so.
Much like an addict you are at a crossroads. There comes a point where an addict faces a stark choice. What used to be fun and "not a big deal" becomes a life altering, soul smothering situation. He can decide that the pull is too strong and therefore he can absolve himself of responsibility for his failures and rationalize his continuance of them. Or he can decide enough is enough, to forgive himself for falling but resolving to change. You need to stop wallowing in your failures, forgive yourself as much as possible, and then you need to stiffen your back and get to work. There is much you have to offer your wife and your family. They deserve your best shot. I'm quite certain your best shot is pretty damn good.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
