Thinking about your situation and your “confession,” I guess the thing that bother me is not the fact that you continued the EA with this woman or that you started up another EA. I think these are to be expected in some way, sort of like an alcoholic falling off the wagon every now and then. I see your problems as so deep within your FOO, so deeply ingrained into you very nature that I would think the pull of temptation to be very strong. What I find completely disingenuous is the reason why you are “coming clean.” Had you come to your senses, taken in the advice so many were giving you and others on this board, been true to yourself, you would have (or at least should have) realized that stopping any contact with any other woman is something you MUST do, from an intellectual and logical standpoint. That does not mean you will still feel the attraction to her, and even possible regress. But if this were to ever occur, your conscience would know what you are doing is wrong and the guilt would kick in.
You seem to be coming clean only because the other woman is coming clean. This is not your decision, it is hers, She is making up her mind for you. You are just along for the ride and now crying over your hopeless situation. Your situation will always be hopeless until YOU decide to grow up and take responsibility for yourself. You are still playing the victim, assuming you are fated to be thrown back and forth by the wind, at the mercy of other, and hoping someone will notice your plight, take pity on you and give you the compassion and love you have always longed for. That may be a reasonable expectation for a kid, but your days of expecting that kind of treatment are long over. It is time you become responsible like an adult.
If you want this affair to end, then take a stand and make that decision on your own. Do not depend on the other woman to decide for you. I think that may be why you started up the second EA. With this line of thought, what is to keep you from finding a third?
I’ve tried to confront you on your FOO and how the ghosts from your past haunt you today and affect your marriage. You gave me glancing attention. Compare your responses to the introspection others had done (look at the self disclosure Happy Giant has done, or Mojo). As long as you dodge these nasty issues, you will be held captive by them.
Now to my other point. I am not sure what your purpose is in confessing all to your wife. Be sure in your mind that this is not another ploy to skip out on confronting yourself. You say you are coming clean and need to lay everything at her feet, to be at the mercy of her judgment. I understand the theory behind Harley’s radical honesty, but I think that is only valid if you have truly made a mental commitment to yourself (and not necessarily anyone else) on what your path will be.
Otherwise I fear it may be nothing more than a passive aggressive way of taking all your problems and shifting them onto your wife’s shoulders. By confessing, you may feel like you come clean. You can relax since you’ve un-shouldered your burden. Now it is all on her to deal with and she will feel like you’ve just unloaded a ton of bricks on her. Don’t expect any reaction out of her other than sheer anger and hatred.
That said, I do not think your confession to her can be delayed much either (though a week or so to get your head in order should not make much difference).
That you have played this game for so long, and twisted it around in so many ways that I think you really need to level with yourself on whether you are just setting up another more sophisticated martyrdom pity pot. From what I am seeing so far in your posts to everyone here, in spite of your apologies, I can not see anything different from what you have said so many times in the past. Hopefully your counselor can get to the bottom of this. I also think LFL’s comment that this has some strong roots in compulsion makes a lot of sense. Just remember that OCD is usually just another defense mechanism.
