I decided to check back in just in case people had something to say to me. I don't want anyone to think I don't appreciate every bit of advice you have given me, even if I was sabotaging its effectiveness by my actions. I do think in some ways, I am a better person than I was a year ago. But in the most important ways, I am not. So I am going to start seeing my C more regularly, I'm going to set up MC sessions with someone my C suggested, and start going even if my W doesn't want to (hopefully only at first), get on medications and stay on them, and do everything I can to "reframe" my life (as BF puts it) as a devoted H who will do EVERYTHING necessary to make sure my W knows it. I think it is probably unhealthy to spend my entire life not having women friends, but I need to recognize that where I am now I have trouble keeping appropriate boundaries. Maybe sometime in the future I can rejoin the human race as a normal person. Then again, maybe not. I have unhealthy compulsions, not everyone can be fixed.
Karen,
Thanks for the kind note and all the help you gave me. I do regret that we won't get to finish those convos we started a few weeks ago. Maybe some other time, but of course the hope is that we will all be in such a better place in the future that such convos won't be necessary. Best of luck to you.
Fran,
Thanks to you also for your kind note and for the help you have given me. I now look back at our first convos and realize that I was actually pleading for help but couldn't find my voice. I hope you find the happiness you seek.
GEL
I don't know if you know how much I appreciate the help you gave me, both on and off the board. You are absolutely right in what you said, you were a true friend off the board. You have such strength of character, and such an obvious sense of appropriate boundaries. I know that when I do get my strength up, I can look to you as a model of how a friendship between man and woman can be a good thing for all involved. I hope I can one day have that same ability to form strong boundaries, and can maybe help someone else through example the way you helped me. Best wishes to you.
NOPkins
You are one of the first people I talked to off the board. I will say that I felt kinda weird after I told you stuff that I have never told anyone else and our contact ceased shortly thereafter. I thought you had decided I was just too weird and not worth the effort of trying to save. I guess I now see that for someone as in-tune with the mistakes I am making I probably was giving off major clues then. Maybe you were the first person to see the road I was on, and knew that the only way I would ever wake up was to hit bottom. I do respect you and MrsNOPs so much.
HD
I hope you will forgive me "workout buddy" but I'm afraid I'm going to have to go on the DL for awhile. I do see so many things that both of us have in common, I know we can help each other. It is my hope that one day you and I both can look back on our lives and thank each other for shoulder to lean on. But I've got some work to do first. I'll be back and maybe we can get a formal routine going. It works best that way, for both physical and emotional workouts.
Lou,
I want to thank you for taking the initiative to come to my aid, even when I didn't realize I needed it. You are a true friend and a great person. Maybe like others have said, helping me will give you a good memory of how you can be an effective fixer at anything you choose to fix. I hope the best for you.
GGB
Thanks so much for the kind notes you sent me, and for being so understanding and supportive. It really sounds like you are on the right track. One thing I do look forward to is coming back here and trying to follow in those footsteps a bit. Be well.
Lil
I don't know what to say. I'm sure you feel contempt or perhaps some other negative emotions toward me. I remember at one time you called me a "prince." Maybe sometime in the future I can earn that appellation again.
Chrissy
I don't know where you have been, but I hope you are well. I appreciate all the help you gave me too. I hope things are going better for you, or will get better soon.
HP
I do miss having you around flinging those 2x4s so effectively at me. I think you were probably the only one who had the patience to tell me what to do 20 times in a row. I guess that was foreshadowing. I hope you are doing well.
Stig
I haven't heard from you in awhile, and I do worry about you. You are such a strong personality, and helped me see things from a unique perspective, but I could also hear the pain behind it all. I hope you are doing ok.
BF
Dude, words cannot express how much help you have given me, and how sorry I am that I didn't take every bit of your advice and follow it. I had to learn things the hard way. I do hope you know that all the lessons you taught be about how to be a man are in there. I am hopeful that when I am able to shed all the crap I have burdened myself with, the things you have taught me will make me be the person I always should have been.
LFL
There is nothing I can say to make up for what I have done. I will just say I am sorry, I hope you can forgive and forget me, for your own sake. There are plenty of guys out there better than me, including your H. And you deserve to have a good M.
Sorry if I forgot anyone, but my brain is still not functioning 100%.
A good friend of mine gave me some advice last night about how to proceed. The list that NOPkins gave me should be done in order. I am getting on medications this morning (Drs. appt in a few minutes so gotta wrap this up), and all contact with OW ceases. Then when it is clear that I am approaching this from a position of strength and not of emotion riddled guilt, I will tell my W everything. Then I will have the strength to support her if that is what she wants. What I don't want to do is go into the situation and end up being so emotional myself that she can't express whatever she needs to express. I hope that makes sense.
I am going now. I will probably check to see if anyone responded, just to do you all the courtesy of taking the time to read what you write to me, but I won't be posting for awhile. Be well all.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
