I am a complete and utter fool, not worthy of living. I guess this will probably be my swan song, as apparently everyone that tried to help me now thinks that I was just playing them for a fool. I don't expect anyone to understand me, as I don't understand myself. I don't expect anyone to forgive me, as I will never be able to forgive myself. I will just leave as I have polluted this place with my presence long enough.
If anything, I hope you will at least know that nothing I did was malicious. I made some very bad mistakes, hurt some people who were in a tough spot just like me who were trying to be my friend, refused to hear advice from people who were trying their hardest to make me see the train wreck that is my life. I just hope you all know that I never intended to hurt anyone, never intended to lie to anyone, never intended to play games with anyone. Although I could probably use just about every negative word in the book to describe myself, I am not evil. I hope that at least some of you will be able to forgive me eventually.
To come clean ...
All of my efforts at repairing my M have been for the most part honest. All of the stories of what I have done with my W true. All of her responses to me true, and all of the progress true. However, I have been sabatoging things although I never realized until this past two weeks by how much. I have maintained contact with OW. We have never had sexual relations, although we have done many things that might as well be as bad because they involve deep emotional feelings on my part (and probably on hers). I don't really know her true feelings about things, as I have gotten a lot of mixed signals from her about it. But apparently she has finally decided to end it. I guess this is closure, but is it too late. I wonder if all the pushing back and forth has forever screwed up my ability to have a normal relationship with anyone, especially my W. I will try though. I will come clean with her tonight, let her decide if she wants to leave me. I don't know if I hope she will or not, she definitely deserves better than me.
One of the ways I tried to reach out was to talk to several people off the board. Several of you were gracious enough to give me that option and I took it. I never meant to imply that any one of you was in on my little "secret" alone, and that this was some sort of drama in which I was playing the starring role, playing some sick game with all of you. I was really hoping that someone could say the right thing to me. But apparently I am unreachable, as with the crew I had on my side, I should have been able to pull out of it. I will never forget how hard several of you tried to help me. I hope you will forgive me if it seemed like I was trying to do something improper. I wasn't, I was just a human, making worse mistakes than most humans for sure, but just a human.
Finally, the worst mistake of all. There is another friend I have made that I had developed feelings for. When I was at my lowest this past week, when it finally sunk in that OW and I would never be (and that now W and I would probably end as well), I reached out to that friend. I needed someone to make me feel loved and adored so badly that I was willing to compound all of my mistakes with another even worse one. What made it so bad was that friend is also in a tough spot and probably couldn't help but respond to my plea. I had the intention of starting a relationship with that person. I cannot believe how unimaginably stupid, unfair, and hurtful that was. For that act alone, I do not expect any one of you to ever forgive me. This is a good person whom I have hurt in a deep way. I would tell you what this is making me think of doing, but you would probably all assume I am just trying to create more drama.
Needless to say, I can't imagine any way in which you would want me to be here. So I will go. I did honestly develop some good friendly feelings to a great deal of people here. I hope my betrayal will not sour this board for more than a day or so, as this place is a good place, full of hope for so many. Please forgive me ... and try to forget me.
Chromo
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
