If you do not and never have loved your wife, then I am both saddened and yet somehow in awe of you. Yes, your children are important, and I get the idea that your wife is really a great person. But what about you? I know it sounds selfish, and maybe it is, but don't you have a right to happiness too? And doesn't it worry you that your kids will have a slightly bitter view of marriage? They can tell, you know. Children can see when their parents have a loveless marriage.
Having grown up in a divorced household, I can tell you it SUX!!!! I'd see other kids with their families, or with their fathers and I'd just feel this sense of loss and emptiness. That loss was irreplacable and now looking back I can see how much it has affected my life and my relationships in ways I never realized when I was younger. Things that I thought I realized, or parts of me that I thought were healthy or healed, were really torn and weak.
Interestingly, as a teacher, I can often quickly spot which kids come from divorced homes. Not all kids from divorced households have problems, but out of all the kids that do have problems (emotional/behavioral) they almost always come from divorced families (excluding kids with learning disabilies).
I'm not advocating staying in a marriage "just for the kids," but I will say from everything I've experienced and read, I think it has much more impact and the effects are much larger then most people realize.
On the other hand, what type of marriages really "hurt" children more than divorce? What exactly is a love-based or loveless marriage? Clearly marriages with drug or alcohol abuse, verbal and physical abuse, etc... would be harmful. Is a "loveless" marriage really worse then divorce?
According to one of the largest studies on divorce (it was a good-sized population of kids followed over a 25 year period -- unfortunately I can't think of the name of the book right now... it might be "A Case Against Divorce"???), the kids didn't always realize their parents had a loveless marriage (at least not until early adulthood). It was determined that the stability and security offered by these marriages was still more beneficial then divorce.
Another interesting thing to consider is, what is love? Time magazine about a year or so ago reduced it to chemicals in the body. There's the "honeymoon" phase where we really are giddy with it because endorphins and other chemicals are pulsing through our bodies making us feel good and giving us that "love high." But real love is something that takes a lot of time to discover. And love tends to ebb and flow. Sometimes we don't have those feelings. I've been married 21 years and I can tell you that even though I have had chemistry and love (and lots of sexual passion), in my marriage, there have been plenty of time over the years where I didn't feel "love" or questioned if I was with "the right person," or that there might be someone "better" out there for me.
Just like happiness is something you find in yourself, I think love is the same. I've noticed that when I give it, and put it out there I feel it. I think real love (beyond the chemical thing) is a choise.
Okay... time to get off the soapbox! ;-)
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
