helping2heal
I've had a bit of a rough night, so this may be disjointed, but I'll do my best to answer you questions
*****But what about you? And doesn't it worry you that your kids will have a slightly bitter view of marriage?
This is where you and I differ. I'm not saying you do not at all. Do not take it that way.
I love my daughter SOOO much, I think SHE deserves me giving love a chance. Love is not some doey-eyed, warm and fuzzy crap. It's a choice. I DO NOT love my wife. I know I could do the "singles" thing and find a better looking woman, a smarter or funner woman. It is in my child's best interest if I can choose to love my wife. I may or may not get to that point. But I will give it one hell of a shot for my daughter.
And if I do fall in love with my wife, I will be happy. If not we I will move on with life.
WE ARE NOT entitled to happiness. That is a gross misconception. We are lucky if we end up happy. If we choose to be happy by others expense we are causing hurt to others...how can that world view be true to those who we hurt???
****Just a thought. It takes guts to make that kind of commitment, to subjugate your own happiness to the integrity of your family structure.
If my wife and I cannot work things out, I trust we will not bring them up in an environment that is counterproductive. We will be good co-parents, but they are worth at least giving it a shot.
My OW, who was here an hour ago yelling at me, is prettier, smarter and a lot more fun to be around than my wife. It would be very easy for me to take your world view and run off with her. But this is not just about me and her. Many others will be effected by that decision and that effect will be negative. How is that love??? It's not.
****As for being scared...no problem; I'm terrified on a daily basis
As hard as I have been on you, my heart goes out to you. I have NO tolerance for what you went through.
****But I refuse to live a life of quiet desperation.
But did you decide to try to fix the problem instead of focusing on the problems and "your" happiness???
*****I'm convinced that I'm making the right choices for me.
You do not KNOW that. IMO you have built up a self confidence to deal with the issues you had to deal with. That's a good thing. But you can't make every decision in life with such absolute certainty. Believe or not YOU do NOT have all the answers.
You have taken the first step by posting here.
Plus reading your post, all I hear is "me me me". I'm sure that goes back to your past, but you have to think of others because the decisions for "YOU" will effect others. If everyone had your world view, it would be a sad dark world.
Not to patronize, but you are intelligent. Just take some time to break down that wall you have built up. Think of others and not just yourself. You area strong person, but it takes a stronger person to shed their views on life and know they do not have all the answers.
You have so much potential and life ahead of you. I sense bitterness in you. Soften your heart. Think of others.
****And cliche or not, my SO is my soulmate. I think it'sad that our society has conditioned us to believe you can only have one
Unless you are a morman, it's not socitey. You are making an excuse for what you want.
My OW, who is calling me on my cell as I type, thought the same thing. That "soul mate" stuff is a load of Sh^t. You think that now....To be perfectly honest, and you have been honest with me, if you do not really look at life not just yours but life as a whole...you will not find that happiness you are looking for. All you will do is jump from situation to situation and justify it in your own mind and "make" it happiness or an experience that was "supposed" to happen
Damn. You really do control your own life and you are so close. You just don't see it yet.
The game of life is a hard play. We'll probably lose it anyway.
All we can do is our best and try to help others along the way.
Jokerman I love your ideas around happiness. Why is it so many people seem to believe that their happiness is so much more important than the happiness of those around them? If I can only be 75% happy but maintain a stable and healthy environment for my kids, why wouldn't I? Oh ya, I have the right to be happy!You are right to some degree happiness is a choice. My sitch is kind of shitty but I have chosen to be as happy as I can be. Because of that attitude I can still enjoy my family and grow as a person. Happiness doesn't happen to you, you happen to happiness. Wow, did that even make sense! Living for ME alone does not bring happiness. It's just more romantic crap. That finishes my rant for today.
whatisis I don't want to take away from H2H at all, but I guess we agree.
Life sux. It's not a fairy tale, it's not fun. Some will go through it unharmed. Others will not. There is no rhyme or reason.
That's when I get a bit miffed, but those who feel a "right" to be happy. F^ck that. All you can do is try to do your best and help others. If happiness happens DAMN that's a BONUS.
The big thing people don't realize is that if they would just change their perspective on what they want or expect that they could be happy. I see a child with downs syndrome and see the way that they can be happy and wonder about their sitch and think how can I be so miserable and them be so happy. Am I the person who is better off? What is wrong with this picture?
The point is that I am not limited by my potential, but they are. Yet, they can be happier than I am. See my point? It is a choice just like everything else in life.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
Hello all...sorry I've been away a couple days. It's nice to know y'all care, even if it is tough love. One thing I do find interesting is that I never came here to talk about my own situation. I just wanted to help other people understand what might be going through the head of their cheating wife. But somehow y'all managed to get me tangled up in my own problems on here too. Not that I'm complaining...it's been good for me, given me a lot to think about.
A little bit of an update/ more information: * My H and I agreed to work on the M after I came clean with him 5 months ago. I stopped seeing other men including my SO. He had at least 4 different one night stands that I had to hear about from other people (but which he readily admitted to once I confronted him). * While I was in Nebraska for my brother's wedding, my H sold my cats. not a big deal to some, but to me my animals are family and he knew that. He did it to be deliberatly cruel. I was heartbroken when I returned home and he never so much as batted an eyelash. *Both my H and my SO are soldiers, which means the SO is facing an article 15 for violating a direct NC order involving me. He knew it would happen and chose the same path anyway...he's not sorry for facing the consequences, and so I try not to wallow in guilt either. Through the process of his investigation, both his chain of command and my H's have learned some disturbing things. My H has gone to more than one person on several occasions and made plans to have them assist in harming both the SO and myself. I would usually blow this off as him just venting/wanting revenge, but I know my H, and the chain of command thought he was serious enough that the SO was put in barracks for 72 hours for his own protection. * My H has gone on leave out of state and taken our only vehicle, while leaving me at home with my son, now 11 months old. * My H has changed the bank account in which his pay is automatically deposited so I have no direct access to funds, as well as overdrawing our joint account by several hundred dollars. * While I was in nebraska, my H and I spoke almost every night. Every time we spoke, he had been drinking.
This has moved beyond just being a nasty marital situation. My H is scaring me. My SO has stepped back so I can make my own decisions without his interference, while letting me know he's still here for me if things turn ugly. My conscience is on overload because I'm trying to balance what I feel is right with what I'm being told is right.
Quote: Jokerman I love your ideas around happiness. Why is it so many people seem to believe that their happiness is so much more important than the happiness of those around them?
Why is their happiness so much more important than mine? If we all have an equal right to happiness and mine should not come at the cost of hurting them, then what about vice versa? One of the recurring themes I see in threads on here is that a spouse dealing with their WAW/WAH should focus on improving themself while their spouse works their issues out. DB'ers keep telling them to do things they've always wanted to do and to work on their own life while they wait for their spouse to get their head on straight. That's not selfish, but me wanting my own happiness is?
Everything my H has done in the last five months to "fix" our marriage has been a front. he has been covertly undermining me the whole way, trying to ensure that he burns me and the SO as badly as possible. I have been wrong in a lot that I've done, but he has not been right.
Oh yeah, and about the threats. I will not be abused again. I've been beaten black and blue by someone who "loved" me. I was forced to do things at eleven and tweleve that some twenty-five year-old women wouldn't consider. I've lived in fear of someone, knowing that my life hung on what his whims were. I've been down that hole and I've spent most of the past five years trying to crawl back out of it...I'll be damned if he's going to be allowed to push me back again. Right, wrong, or in-between I'm not staying in a marriage with a man who wants to hurt me, physically or mentally.
OK there is a lot here to digest. I have a "disscusion" I have to have with my wife toinght, but wanted to wait until my daughter goes to bed. I may not repsond tonight...it could get ugly, but I'm not giving up on you.
One quick thought. IMO:
Quote: Why is their happiness so much more important than mine? If we all have an equal right to happiness and mine should not come at the cost of hurting them, then what about vice versa?
We all DO NOT have a right to happines. HAPPINESS IS NOT A RIGHT!!!!! It is a blessing. We are entitled nothing!!!!!
Really really read that...can't you see the selfishness in that???? Happiness, and I don't have it either, does not come from being selfish.
To even have a shot at life's blessing of happiness you HAVE to shed this built in thought/belief.
I will be back and comment more.
Sorry for being obtuse...what is OS?????
Keep posting and thinking. I'm not giving up on you H2H!
If he is a threat, you should leave. No one should tolerate abuse. That has nothing to do with happiness, that is safety. Make sure you are safe. All the best.
SO = Significant Other
I don't call him the OM, the term seems too have way too much negative connotation to it. I know what you're all thinking: call a spade a spade; he is negative. But I don't see him that way, so you'll have to put up with my view of the situation until you find a way to change my mind.
Joker, I hope your discussion goes well, even if it does get ugly...that whole darkest before dawn thing.
I feel the need to clarify my remarks on happiness. Firstly my remarks were indeed a rant they were not directed at you are your sitch Helping2heal. I'm sorry if they came across as such. But I do believe that happiness is a way overdone concept. What is happiness? If I was happy today but not happy yesterday does that make me a happy or unhappy person? If my w's fooling around yet my kids bring me great joy, am I happy or unhappy? Often, I think happiness is what we make it. In my sitch I can turn it into the ugliest most unbearable situation possible or I can concentrate on growing as a person, improving for my w and kids, developing new interests and skills etc. I am not an unhappy person. I wish my W would return my love and leave her affair but that isn't going to be, not today. Her words to me were "just because I took a vow does that mean I don't have the right to be happy?" My point was, in the previous post, her "happiness" has caused extreme duress for others and put her families welfare in peril. How can one be happy knowing the kind of pain that is being inflicted upon those around you? I told her I could not see anything beautiful in this A because it was rooted in shame and deceit. How could it bring happiness? I guess it's a complicated thing this happiness. Again, I apologize if my remarks seemed personal towards your sitch. I'm feeling happier already!
