My situation is not unlike many I have read about here on DB’ers. I’ve been the OW, the WAW. My marriage is ending, but I haven’t come here to seek advice. Despite the apparent failure of my marriage, my husband and I are both good people…just not all that good for each other. I still believe quite strongly in marriage and that it really can work and be the “forever” we promise on our wedding day. I just want to help others, offer my insight bred through a multitude of experiences so that perhaps someone else can save their marriage. I disagree that every marriage can or even should be saved…I hope I don’t get blacklisted from this site for saying that. However, it is my goal to share what I can with those who DO want to save their marriage.
I’m sure many of you will say I’m too young to know heads from tails (I’m 21), and what could I possibly offer to someone who is having marital problems after 5, 10, or more years. Maybe you’re right…after all, I did ruin my own marriage. But I listen well, and perhaps if nothing else, I can offer a different perspective on your situation.
So you can get to know me, here is my story:
I met my husband in grade school; he was my childhood sweetheart. However, his parents were (and are) very religious, and didn’t want him around me. They moved several hours away when he and I were in middle school, and I wasn’t allowed to call or write, or even to know his address. I thought about him a lot, but moved on with life. Suddenly, after five years with absolutely no contact, he reappeared in my life! We started dating, deciding not to let our second chance slip away. Within four months we were engaged, and got married the summer after graduation. I went to college and we both worked, but we were happy.
I met a guy in one of my classes who showed an interest in me and to whom I found myself attracted. I refused to act on the inappropriate feelings, and immediately confessed my problem to my husband. The reaction I got astounded me: he suggested we try an alternative lifestyle, an open marriage. He told me later that he thought it was a phase I was going through because I hadn’t dated a lot in high school, and that he figured I’d quickly move past it. I went a little crazy there in the beginning. He slept with a few women, but I had a lot of men. He started feeling neglected and unloved, and I realized the mistake I was making. We decided after only a few months that we didn’t like the open relationship. Shortly after I was exclusively with my husband again, I got the amazing news: I was pregnant!
Financially unable to support our child, I dropped out of college and he joined the Army. Everything seemed to get better for awhile. I wasn’t ever unfaithful during my pregnancy, and after I moved to the base where my husband was living when the baby was two months old, I seemed to have gotten over the desire for other men. As I started making friends and getting out more, though, the desire returned full force. I loved being with my husband, but I enjoyed the other men too. I kept it a secret for awhile, knowing he didn’t want the swinger lifestyle anymore. It should have scared me that I lied so frequently and so flawlessly, but I justified it to myself by saying that I was protecting him. I knew I wanted to stop eventually, but I just hadn’t gotten to that point yet. I never really considered myself as having affairs. To me, an affair meant some sort of long-standing arrangement and what I was doing was just enjoying the sexuality of a variety of men.
Then the day came when I met HIM. I went to a swinger’s party and was drawn to a man. No big surprise there…that was the point after all. Got to be friends with him and his wife through a mutual friend and began spending all my time with them while my husband was away for a month in training. I fell in love with him, which I wouldn’t even admit to myself, let alone him. I was trying desperately to help him sort out other problems in his own marriage, and I certainly didn’t want to be a contributing factor in his imminent divorce. But one night he forced me to have a conversation in which we both admitted what was really going on. He had also fallen in love with me, and the only thing we were doing was hurting our spouses.
My husband returned, and I admitted to everything. Our marriage spiraled downward, because let’s face it, you can’t have it both ways. I am getting divorced, but my husband and I remain on good terms. I didn’t know what I was looking for until I found it, but now I have, and I won’t put my husband through anymore pain.
That’s the abridged version…I welcome your thoughts and comments, but please remember that I am not asking for advice. I am satisfied with the situation’s conclusion. I simply want my unique perspective to be able to help others if it can.
“Live life without Fear, Apology, or Regret. You have a right to be who you are.” ~ACM
