It may sound like AA but my name is jokerman and I'm a cheater.
- Does the marriage ever work after you cheat?
Don't know. I ended it last night.
- What got your attention the most, that your spouse did, when you were in the A and wanted a D?
She did not judge. She just loved me.
- What are the subtle signs to look for if I think my H is
cheating?
Changes in his typical routine. If it is an ongoing affair, he will have to make changes to make it work and find time.
He may dress differently.
Not answer his cell phone.
Having an ongoing affair is very taxing. It is very difficult to have one relationship, while not letting the other relationship know.
- What were some of the things you said while you were in the A before your spouse knew?
Had to work late.
Cell phone is on the fritz.
Drank too much and did not want to drive home.
Business trip
- What should I look for when I think he is cheating?
I think emotional distance. My wife and I were already living like roomates and never communicated, but I felt myself just not wanting to be around her. It was a mixture of resentment towards the marriage and guilt.
- Does the spouse have any hope of capturing the love of the cheater?
No doubt. My affair did not start for sex. Not at all. We began as friends and it went from there. However, after weeks and weeks of gut wrenching soul searching I decided to cut it off.
- How did you act before or during the affair?
Again I would say emotional detatchment or quick temper.
- I already know about the signs of hang-ups, longer hours, cell phone calls, over-time, but I mean the ones before it can even be noticed. The very slight, subtle, undetected signs of infidelity?
Not sure on this one. Maybe you can ask my wife.
- And as a cheater if you have any ideas on 180's for the non-cheating spouse that would be helpful too.
Don't know. I have not read it.
- I want my marriage to work but if my H is addicted to the OW can it ever really be worked out?
Don't know. Ask me in about three years.
- Would I ever be enough for him if he is used to someone I can't compete with?
I think if he chooses to end it and makes the decision stop the affair. My OW is better looking, funner to be around, enjoy the same things and we love each other's company; however, you can fall in love with ANYONE. It's just what you choose. Right now I do not love my wife quite frankly never have, but she is a good person and a good mother. If I CHOOSE to love her, I will fall in love for the first time. I am looking forward to that.
- Is it worth it?
NO
- Does a Spouse of cheater ever get over it?
Again. You'll have to ask my wife in three years I guess. Though I have not told her, but I'm sure I will.
- Will the cheater ever again be faithful and loyal?
Even if we end up divorced, I will NEVER cheat again. Even if its with a girlfriend.
- Is there ever any hope for the non-cheater to be able to let go?
Not sure on that one either.
- Do the cheaters ever, ever realize the pain the Other spouse goes through?
YES. At least I did. Though my wife does not know EVERY morning at 4 I would wake up I would break out in sweats thinking that I was destroying my family. That is the thing that SUX about an affair and divorce it effects so many more than the two "lovers".
I said this on another post but again...I felt I was "TRULY" in love with my OW, but there is no way the "TRUE" love can be that destructive. Hollywood has glorified affairs to make it what it is not.
- Can you offer any tidbits of information in a way that may save countless marriages when there is infidelity involved?
Well I've only been in one affair and really do not know anyone else who has been - so this is myopic.
I did not mean or want to have my affair. I carried some resentment in our marriage and did not allow myself to love my wife. Also there were a lot of things she would not do (not talking sexually). So the resentment plus the void that I felt in my marriage led to it. If my wife and I were more open and communicated more about each other's needs, the affair NEVER would have happened. No matter how smart, funny and hot the OW is.
Hope this helps. Sorry for your situation.
P.S. If you are reading this and having an affair any woman who pursues a married man is NOT worth it. She is selfish, self absorbed and does not care about your family falling apart. All she cares about is her selfish needs that you fulfill. All she had to lose b/c of the affair was a lover. I could have lost my FAMILY, KIDS, whole bunch of MONEY, my HOUSE and maybe my JOB. Would you want her or anyone else you "love" to lose all that. OW should be called OSB - figure it out.
