I just have a few questions for the men on this forum who have cheated.
Does the marriage ever work after you cheat?
What got your attention the most, that your spouse did, when you were in the A and wanted a D?
What are the subtle signs to look for if I think my H is cheating?
What were some of the things you said while you were in the A before your spouse knew?
What should I look for when I think he is cheating?
Does the spouse have any hope of capturing the love of the cheater?
How did you act before or during the affair?
I already know about the signs of hang-ups, longer hours, cell phone calls, over-time, but I mean the ones before it can even be noticed. The very slight, subtle, undetected signs of infidelity?
My H is excellent at hiding stuff and I am going crazy. He tells me "She's a friend", I'm crazy, it's my imagination and on.
I just need to know so I may have some inner peace. I know this may be hard for any spouse to admit or reveal but please if you have any answers I sure could use them.
And as a cheater if you have any ideas on 180's for the non-cheating spouse that would be helpful too.
I want my marriage to work but if my H is addicted to the OW can it ever really be worked out? Would I ever be enough for him if he is used to someone I can't compete with? What if she is younger, prettier, smarter, richer (I am a stay at home mom), funnier, cuter, sexier and ect..? What hope do I have of ever being able to compete with that? Is it ever worth it? Does a Spouse of cheater ever get over it? Will the cheater ever again be faithful and loyal? Is there ever any hope for the non-cheater to be able to let go? For the moment I despise my H and am so afraid I will never let go of that. I GAL but i am beginning to want him out. Do the cheaters ever, ever realize the pain the Other spouse goes through? The feelings of inadequacy, of loneliness, of an all consuming sorrow and sadness, of the feelings of total loss of any self-esteem. Can you offer any tidbits of information in a way that may save countless marriages when there is infidelity involved?
Wow! That was a lot of questions all at once. I can only offer this small piece of advice. My H is a chronic cheater and liar....and one of the greatest guys in the world. Everybody loves him. He had an entirely separate life. His life here with me and the kids and his secret life with various OW.
Can a marriage survive infidelity? Absolutely. The key is, BOTH parties have to want it to survive. The cheater has to show true remorse and STOP the cheating and the offended spouse has to make a decision to truly forgive the transgression. If either of those are missing, you might as well throw in the towel.
Sorry. Just my opinion.
I wish you well.
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I can recommend NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass, and perhaps also My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me (can't find my copy right this second to tell you the author, think last name is Berendt, but you can search the title on Amazon). And on Amazon.com you can read excerpts from the book, and reader reviews too. Hope that helps some to answer your questions. I have a zillion sticky note flags sticking out of the NOT "Just Friends" book.
Must sleep now, early a.m. tomorrow.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Wow thats alot of Questions. Well I am a H who cheeted and I am here because my W cheeted on me and left. I cheeted early on in our R before and during our M. My W had her suspissions and I wasnt very good at hiding my A either. I have learned alot about A since my W left and if you think your H is having an PA or EA you are probably right. If you ask a ton of questions about it or the OW you will push him further away from you and closer to OW.
I am a firm believer that a M can work after an A and there is lots of advice on how in DR and DB and here on this site.
What got my attention most was my W leaving, breaking up with me is how she put it. She wasnt angry she wasnt mean she was serious and it wasnt a threat or ultimatum she was done. Me taking her seriously in our R was a major fault of mine and when she folowed through with her earlier threat to leave it really hit me hard.
signs your H is cheating....Distancing from you or R, getting angry over stupid stuff, this helps him justify the A, changes in appearance calogne going out. lame excuses for staying out late or going out. hiding things or being secretive. there are tons of things some subtle some obveous.
When my W got suspisious i would deny deny deny called her crazy paranoid untrusting anything i could think of to through her off.
Sure the spouse has hope of capturing the love of the cheater. but first you have to be someone that can be loved. you have to love yourself. be your own person. detach from your WAS and GAL. Be the person your H fell in love with in the first place.
I dont know of any super subtle signs of an A If they are undetectable then they are just undetectable. IF you instincts tell you there is a problem and it points to an A then trust yourself and your instincts. even if there isnt an A there is a problem. If there is an A the only solution is to first fix what led to that point.
If your H is telling you you are crazy its your immagination and so on he is either having an A or he is just abusive. im betting he is doing both.
some 180s stop asking about OW stop asking if there is an A start spending more time on you spend time with your Friends start being mysterious change anything subtle or not food clothes hair makeup activities with kids hobbies very important go out and have some fun.
The good news. Yes your M can be saved. yes you can be happy again. Yes you have found one of the greatest tools to saving your M... this site. Read DB and DR get some coaching its worth it. Dont worry about the OW being smarter faster cuter whatever. she isnt. and couldnt compete even if she was a supermodel/saint whatever. you are awsome and you need to remember that and own it. It is very normal to be angry and you should be. you have been betrayed by someone you love. everything you are feeling is normal and you should talk about those feelings with someone you trust or here. just as long as you have an outlet.
I hope i was able to answer some of your Q. I am sorry to find you here. You are in the right place though. come back often post often and read all you can. There is hope. I made some terrible choices that hurt my W deeply and yes i do have a degree of understanding of how. Change can happen. miracles can happen.
me,29 W,28 together,7 Married,4 daughters 3 and 5 seporated 4/06 W now living with OM my X friend
It may sound like AA but my name is jokerman and I'm a cheater.
- Does the marriage ever work after you cheat?
Don't know. I ended it last night.
- What got your attention the most, that your spouse did, when you were in the A and wanted a D?
She did not judge. She just loved me.
- What are the subtle signs to look for if I think my H is
cheating?
Changes in his typical routine. If it is an ongoing affair, he will have to make changes to make it work and find time.
He may dress differently.
Not answer his cell phone.
Having an ongoing affair is very taxing. It is very difficult to have one relationship, while not letting the other relationship know.
- What were some of the things you said while you were in the A before your spouse knew?
Had to work late.
Cell phone is on the fritz.
Drank too much and did not want to drive home.
Business trip
- What should I look for when I think he is cheating?
I think emotional distance. My wife and I were already living like roomates and never communicated, but I felt myself just not wanting to be around her. It was a mixture of resentment towards the marriage and guilt.
- Does the spouse have any hope of capturing the love of the cheater?
No doubt. My affair did not start for sex. Not at all. We began as friends and it went from there. However, after weeks and weeks of gut wrenching soul searching I decided to cut it off.
- How did you act before or during the affair?
Again I would say emotional detatchment or quick temper.
- I already know about the signs of hang-ups, longer hours, cell phone calls, over-time, but I mean the ones before it can even be noticed. The very slight, subtle, undetected signs of infidelity?
Not sure on this one. Maybe you can ask my wife.
- And as a cheater if you have any ideas on 180's for the non-cheating spouse that would be helpful too.
Don't know. I have not read it.
- I want my marriage to work but if my H is addicted to the OW can it ever really be worked out?
Don't know. Ask me in about three years.
- Would I ever be enough for him if he is used to someone I can't compete with?
I think if he chooses to end it and makes the decision stop the affair. My OW is better looking, funner to be around, enjoy the same things and we love each other's company; however, you can fall in love with ANYONE. It's just what you choose. Right now I do not love my wife quite frankly never have, but she is a good person and a good mother. If I CHOOSE to love her, I will fall in love for the first time. I am looking forward to that.
- Is it worth it?
NO
- Does a Spouse of cheater ever get over it?
Again. You'll have to ask my wife in three years I guess. Though I have not told her, but I'm sure I will.
- Will the cheater ever again be faithful and loyal?
Even if we end up divorced, I will NEVER cheat again. Even if its with a girlfriend.
- Is there ever any hope for the non-cheater to be able to let go?
Not sure on that one either.
- Do the cheaters ever, ever realize the pain the Other spouse goes through?
YES. At least I did. Though my wife does not know EVERY morning at 4 I would wake up I would break out in sweats thinking that I was destroying my family. That is the thing that SUX about an affair and divorce it effects so many more than the two "lovers".
I said this on another post but again...I felt I was "TRULY" in love with my OW, but there is no way the "TRUE" love can be that destructive. Hollywood has glorified affairs to make it what it is not.
- Can you offer any tidbits of information in a way that may save countless marriages when there is infidelity involved?
Well I've only been in one affair and really do not know anyone else who has been - so this is myopic.
I did not mean or want to have my affair. I carried some resentment in our marriage and did not allow myself to love my wife. Also there were a lot of things she would not do (not talking sexually). So the resentment plus the void that I felt in my marriage led to it. If my wife and I were more open and communicated more about each other's needs, the affair NEVER would have happened. No matter how smart, funny and hot the OW is.
Hope this helps. Sorry for your situation.
P.S. If you are reading this and having an affair any woman who pursues a married man is NOT worth it. She is selfish, self absorbed and does not care about your family falling apart. All she cares about is her selfish needs that you fulfill. All she had to lose b/c of the affair was a lover. I could have lost my FAMILY, KIDS, whole bunch of MONEY, my HOUSE and maybe my JOB. Would you want her or anyone else you "love" to lose all that. OW should be called OSB - figure it out.
Wow! The last two posts cleared a lot of questions for me!!!! I'm so happy that you were honest. It helps to get a man's point of view on things, especially if they were the cheaters.
Do you still think of the OW?
I continually try to find answers.....my husband just answers with "he threw that trash in the bin where it belongs" and won't give me any answers.
Yes, but what I try to do is associate the negative things about her when I do. We did have fun, but while we were my wife and child were home and I was missing time from them.
The OW would get mad at me when I would want to go spend time with my daughter. That's when it clicked in my mind. I was being preyed upon. She did not give a damn about me, just the fact I was filling her needs. She was/is so damn selfish
Sounds like the OW my husband was seeing too. She would get mad that he had to leave to come home to me. He said she started getting jeolous and he knew he had to break it off. I'm still mad at him and trying to collect myself and figure out what to do next.
You know affairs are really interesting. People think it's just because the man or woman who is the cheater wants to jump in the sack with whomever they can. I'm not saying that may not happen, but that was not my case.
I have gotten so much clarity lately. It began about a month ago. Through my work I get three free hours of legal advice. I used it to find our more about the divorce process. Basically we have three young kids and my wife's family is far far away. I was afraid that if I did get a divorce, my wife would take my kids and move away. The lawyer said they were so young there was nothing I could do to keep her from moving. He suggested that I move back in the house for a year, journal all the time I spend with them, go to counseling to show and honest effort and then file.
I went back home and have been since. I do not and will not journal. My wife knows I am a good dad. When I told the OW why I had go back home, she freaked out. I asked her to give me all my stuff because I had to go back home and live there for at least a year. (I was still in delusional love at this point). She said more awful things about me than any woman ever has. I tried to explain this was the only way I would have a chance at 50/50 custody. As much as I talked about my kids around her, I thought she would understand. Hell she went through a custody battle in her divorce and lost. I thought she would be more empathetic (sp)
Then it started to hit me. When I left my wife, she was not happy but she did not act NEARLY like the OW was acting. The OW did not care at all that I could lose my kids and was doing what the lawyer said to keep them in my life with 50/50 custody. All she cared about was my catering to her every need.
That really was the start of my head clearing from the cloud of the affair. She actually wanted me to make a decision between having my kids in my life with 50/50 custody or having them miles and miles away and being with her. You may think I'm a dirtball, but I am a good dad and love my kids.
Look I know I'm not the victim here, but the OW going after a married man whew! I was selfish for getting into the affair, but I would never ask her to do anything to take her away from her child.
I really would like to start a forum for us cheaters. I may or may not be able fix my mess, but I have learned a lot about the dynamics of an affair and why men do it. I am disgusted with myself, but I am more ill with the thought of the selfish OW.
I don't blame spouses for leaving after their spouse had an affair. It is the wrong thing to do, however, (at least in my case) there was a reason for it. My marriage may be done, but I would like to help other men who are caught up in what I was and help give them clarity.
Jade,
I kind of went on a rant there. As far as what you can do...take care of yourself. Your H may or may not get the slap in the face that I did. My W was upset when I left, I actually told her to take care of herself and she did. Her strength and stability was one of the things that brought me to where I am now.
If your H does not come back, you will need the strength for what lies ahead.
Good luck.
Not sure it will help or not, but I posted the details of my affair on the Newcomers board. read and weep...or hate
