Well, I want to give an update as I passed another "Thursday Night", and as I didn't really expect, it once again turned into a disaster. I'm sure I'll get beaten up for this, but the situation turned a bit crazy...
To catch you up, early last week, I presented the idea that we have scheduled sex, with Thursday nights being our time, so that we would both know what is going on. Last week didn't go well and I ended up with crap pity sex, and one angry wife. I felt awful about this and earlier this week, I just canceled the whole idea.
Soooo, to last night. In typical "me" fashion.. I blew it.. Earlier in the evening I made some kind of in-passing comment that reminded her of the whole scheduled sex idea. I was trying to just tease a little and make her smile. She took it the wrong way, that I was trying for sex again after letting her off the hook just a few days ago. She immediately got pouty and quiet.
After putting the kids to bed last night, I went to go get something out of our room where my wife had already gone to bed. And to my surprise, there was my wife, lying naked under the covers. She said she was just waiting for me to come to bed (and I don't mean this in a positive, loving tone) and that she would appreciate it if I would hurry so she could get to sleep and we could just get things over with. I immediately said "no, I made a comment that was misinterpreted, intended just for fun.. I am not going to have sex with you like this, when you are angry. It supposed to be about loving each other and being in a place where we can both enjoy it. I am not going to do it, like this, so please get dressed so you can go to sleep." Then I left the room, quite proud of myself for standing up for what is right, respecting myself, and getting away from the situation.
After finishing my own projects, it was eventually time for me to go to bed. I came in expecting her to be zonked out. Instead, she was still wide awake, glaring at me.. and still naked. She said "I am not going to sleep tonight until you get in this bed and do it!" Red flags waived all over and I was like "whoa! No no no no no! Definitely NOT like this! PLEASE, get dressed so we can go to sleep," I then got undressed (ready to sleep, not naked) and got into bed to go to sleep. She said "oh no you don't go to sleep! You are going to get this done! You asked for it, now you can;t just back out when I offer to go through with it." I said "A. I didn't ask for it, I made a little comment trying to make you smile that was misinterpreted. Once I realized this, I apologized. and B. There is no way I am going to have sex under these conditions... in-fact I don't think I can.. as it's kind of vital that a guy is turned on in order to have sex and seeing you angry is anything but a turn on, so technically, it can't happen."
She then got really angry.. In a nutshell I was accused of.. once again being totally selfish. She felt she had two choices... either allow me to have sex, or spend the whole night feeling like a total failure as a wife and a person. And "what kind of person would I be to sentence my wife to a night of torture and feeling like crap". She said if I continued to ride this new high ground and stay away from her then I got to have a good nights sleep, feeling like I "did the right thing" meanwhile leaving her to stew all night feeling miserable and like some sub human being and that would be totally selfish of me to do to her. She wasn't going to allow this to happen regardless of what she had to do. I said "I'll just go to the couch.." she said "I will just follow behind then, because once again... I WILL NOT GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT UNTIL YOU DO THIS.. AND NEITHER WILL YOU!"
So there I was.. stuck.. knowing what I SHOULD do, but not knowing how to get away from her. Fast forward to 2 AM, nothing has changed. Each time I start to drift off, she says "wake up, you haven't finished" and there she sits, arms folded, still undressed and waiting. I had had a busy day, I was exhausted and knew I had a busy day today.. she was starting to wear me down, not because I felt this was the right thing to do, but because I knew, knowing my wife, that she would not give this up. Once she is set on a course, she will NOT deviate, regardless of the consequences. She can be one of the most stubborn people I have ever met. So finally, after 2 am I just said to myself "fine, this is totally not what I wanted, but this is getting ridiculous and I need sleep or I will never get through the day." And so I mustered what I could to "make things happen.... enough" and did it. Quick. As quick as possible just to get it done so she'd sleep and let me sleep as well.
This morning, she seemed tired and not particularly happy (for obvious reasons) but said she would be back, naked in bed again next Thursday, only this time silent and without an attitude so I could get my business done early. By this time I was sick of the whole mess, and just shook my head in frustration and left for work.
This is starting to feel like the story about a parent, who when they hear that their kid is curious about smoking, makes them smoke a whole pack, so that by the end the kid is so sick from cigarrettes the last thing they ever want to do is go anywhere near them again. It feels like she is working overtime to just destroy the whole sexual experience and make it so uncomfortable for me to even joke about it, knowing that this is how she COULD react, that I will never want to go near sex again. Then she finally gets to have her way. She gets the husband who doesn't want anything to do with sex and she gets her wish, finally, to have sex out of her life.
Soooo.. to the board.. did I totally screw this up, yet again? Should I have held my gound even if it meant not sleeping for a night? How could I have gotten out of the situation? I don't have that "lack of self respect" feeling like I did last week.. more like "I had no other choice, so I did what I had to do" type of feeling. But it's still not right. Not even close! And again, what do I do differently next week? If just lightly making a joke to make her laugh has THIS kind of result.. I could be in a lot of trouble.. I joke around all the time. And I am suppose to be talking and communicating MORE to her, not focusing on keeping my mouth shut.
And now I am selfish for NOT having sex. I sooooooo don't get this...
