Cobra, I don't think it's that he isn't willing to be vulnerable. I think it is that she is a woman and reads him QUITE well. Iow, she can see plain as day that his words (I am not happy with the state of our marriage) and actions (I am kissing your behind because that is what I've always done and I am a control freak and am afraid to let things happen as they may and also because I dislike confrontation and being true to my feelings is a form of confrontation). Whew. That last one got a bit long. Happy, my point is that when your actions and behavior match your words about how serious you are about the state of your M, your wife will sit up and listen. That's why the No Coddling stuff has gotten her attention so well--because for the first time in years, your behavior matches your inner thoughts. She *knows* this, HG. She simultaneously hates it and it relieves her. She is seeing the real you.
It's so funny how others can see all the work that needs to be done on US and we can only see the work that needs to be done on our spouse, isn't it?
If I were you, I'd head to the counselor and say: "Doc, I need help with my controlling nature, my passive aggressiveness, my tendency to avoid confrontation at all costs, and my need to act out in destructive ways that are designed to get my wife's attention."
STOP worrying about her. When you do, there is at least a 50/50 chance that she will get her sh*t together. Right now, with you trying to control the outcome so strongly, she is going to dig in her heels and refuse to change at all.
I think you are on the right track but need a little more nudging to make sure that you don't get diverted by gazing at your wife's flaws.
In case you think I'm being harsh, my own list to the shrink several years ago would have consisted of things like: I have an anger problem, I try to control my H with my wicked tongue, I do not give his needs any importance, ETC. I could go on and on but this is about you.
